Are you struggling with unresolved conflict with a parent or caregiver?
After much insistence, Aaliyah was finally visiting her mother, Jane. She hadn’t visited her in awhile, claiming she was very busy. Which was true—but there was another reason lurking under the surface why she kept putting off seeing her mom. Aaliyah slipped out of work early one day, and headed to her childhood home. On the doorstep, dread came over her; anxiety filled her chest as she thought about the conversation she would have with her mom. After taking a deep breath to ground herself, Aaliyah opened the door.
“Ma!?! Hi, ma!”
“Oh, Aaliyah! So glad you could make it, thought you’d never come. You usually only visit to get free food. You can’t even take care of yourself, look at you! I’ll make you something.”
“Ma! I don’t need food or taking care of, I just wanted to see you. I’m going out later for dinner.”
“Going out, like that? You can’t go out looking like that.
“Yes, I can!”
“No, come, I have something you can change into! Something more appropriate,” she says, disappearing for a moment before returning with one of her church dresses.
“Maaaaaaaaaa! I’m not wearing this. I’m wearing what I’m wearing.”
“Don’t be silly dear, go try this on.”
“No! I don’t wanna!”
“Aaliyah! Don’t you take that tone with me. This will be good for you, you’ll look so nice! Come, come!”
In the bathroom, Aaliyah held up her mother’s church dress in the mirror, flashing back to prom, and wondered why a 30-year-old woman is following her mother’s commands like she’s a teenager again. She felt embarrassed and a little scared, just like prom night. “I need to get out of here,” she said, as her anxiety intensified. Leaving the dress on the countertop, she snuck out of the bathroom and went quietly down the hall to the front door. . .
30 Going on 17
Have you ever found yourself feeling like Aaliyah—avoiding your parents because conversations are one-sided and frustrating? I’m sure you probably wouldn’t sneak out of your mother’s house, but I bet you have wondered, “Why does talking to my parents make me feel like a kid again!?”
To answer that question, we need to understand that whenever we interact with our caregivers as adults, our mind and body can revert to the feelings and behaviours we had during childhood. We start using old coping mechanisms which we used when we were kids: like always agreeing with our parents, even when we really didn’t want to; or going quiet and saying nothing. Coping mechanisms, whatever shape they took, helped us feel safe as a child. Now when our parents interact with us in the same way they did when we were children, the easier it is for us to turn to the old coping mechanisms—and feel like we’ve reverted to our younger self!
In Aaliyah’s case, she feels embarrassed to have to change into her ma’s clothes, and also scared to confront her ma about it. So that’s how she ended up in the bathroom, doing as her mother says. But that’s just the start. I’m sure there’s more to the story that turns their conversations into arguments. Let’s catch Aaliyah before she leaves and see if we can help her rebuild her relationship with her ma. Join me as I join Aaliyah at the front door before she sneaks out!
Take a Second to Pause
. . .Aaliyah jumps, seeing me behind the door to greet her, while everything around her—including her mom in the kitchen—pauses.
Don’t worry, everything is fine. I find it helps sometimes to pause for a second, and take a closer look at our feelings before we act. For example—do you really want to ditch your ma? Or do you want her to accept your choice of outfit?
“Yeah, I know, I almost changed, just like I did when I was a kid. I felt I had no choice! How am I supposed to heal from my childhood trauma and have a good relationship with my ma when she always makes me feel like that!?”
It will take some time and work, but you’ll get there. Awareness is key! Sometimes, our first responses are subconscious and we need to better understand what’s really happening in the moment—that’s why we pause. So, before you go over to see your ma again, let’s get you into the proper mindset.
Understanding What You Need
Growing up, Aaliyah felt small and invalidated by her mother. She felt she had no control over what she did in her life. Jane never seemed to think that Aaliyah could ever know what was best for herself and made all the decisions for her. This resulted in Aaliyah feeling sad as a child and angry as an adult. She needed her mom to listen to what she had to say and be curious. Now, she needs her mom to support her and understand she can make her own decisions and learn from her mistakes. Most importantly, Aaliyah needs her mom to respect her and speak to her as an adult, not a teenager. In other words, she wants to set boundaries in their mother-daughter dynamic, so she can self-identify as an adult and not a little girl anymore.
“Yes, exactly!”
Consider Your Parent’s Perspective
It’s important for us to look at our parent’s perspective, too, to help us understand how the dynamics can be positively altered. In Aaliyah’s case, looking at where conflict with immigrant parents could stem from. Maybe Jane’s reactions towards Aaliyah were intended to be protective, because of Jane’s experiences with her own mother or out in the world. People often react in ways that feel safe to them, that then influences the way they interact with others—especially their children. Even when it’s brought to their attention, it can be hard for them to change their old coping styles.
In a situation like this, it can be helpful to think about how your mom may have felt and currently feels, and how your mom may be looking for ways to feel needed as you both age.
“Ugh, do I have to?”
Is that adult-Aaliyah, or teen-Aaliyah speaking?
“Fair point.”
Self-Awareness
Next, Aaliyah can focus on her self-awareness to differentiate her child-self from her adult-self. It’s important for her to work on how to communicate with her mom as an adult, not as a child. She needs to pay attention to her verbal and non-verbal gestures—such as the words and tone of voice she uses, as well as her body-language.
Emotions will evoke these verbal and non-verbal gestures, so before Aaliyah tells her mom about her past and present feelings, it will be helpful for her to explore her sadness from childhood and her current anger to be better prepared in the moment. She may need to re-center herself by taking deep breaths before she speaks to her mom, to ensure she is guided by her desired adult emotions instead of her stuck teen emotions.
Setting Boundaries
Once Aaliyah’s mom knows how she feels, to differentiate herself as an adult, Aaliyah needs to set boundaries—and stick to them. In a moment, she’ll explain how she feels when her mom treats her like a little child, how she no longer thinks or acts like the little girl she once was; she can make her own decisions and learn from her mistakes. Ultimately, she will be letting her mom know what she needs from her now as an adult.
Does that make sense and does it feel like something possible for you, Aaliyah?
“That sounds—hard. But at least it’s better than walking out on my ma.”
Remember, pay attention to yourself: your body language, emotions, your voice and the words you use, and most importantly, don’t forget to be you! Take a deep breath, I know you can do this.
“That’s a lot to remember… but I’ll try my best. Thank you.”
You’re welcome.
Our Tools in Action
As Aaliyah steps back into her mom’s house, the world unpauses. She takes in a deep breath and releases it, along with what feels like some nerves. She takes a seat with her mom at the kitchen table.
“Hi ma.”
“Where’s the dress I told you to wear?
“Look ma, I understand you want to help me, and I appreciate that. But I’m not a little girl anymore, and it really hurts me when you make me feel like one again.
“I know you’re not a little girl! Where is this coming from?”
“When you tell me what to do, like wearing that dress, it makes me feel like you think my decisions aren’t good. I’m old enough now to take accountability for what I do and to learn from my mistakes. So, what I’m asking of you is to allow me to make those mistakes. Let me be who I want to be, and talk to me as a respected adult.”
“I’m only trying to help!”
“And I don’t want you to stop helping me. I want you to change the way you help me. I don’t mind your input, though you need to understand after I’ve heard it, I may still form a different opinion. I would love for us to have a conversation where we both can listen to what each other has to say.”
“I listen to you! You’re the one who doesn’t listen to me.”
“There you go again! When I thought I was getting through. . .”
Aaliyah stops, noticing her voice rising and her mom’s face getting angry, and realizes they are both getting emotionally charged. She needs to change its path, or this conversation will blow up like it usually does. Aaliyah takes a deep breath, looks at her mom with soft eyes, and starts again.
“I know we love and care for each other a lot—and maybe it’s hard for us to share how we feel, or we misunderstand how we share with each other. I guess what I’m trying to say is that I need you to be interested in what I do, instead of constantly judging my decisions.”
“Oh, dear, I didn’t mean to judge you,” Jane says, looking at Aaliyah as her eyes quickly turn from angry to sad. “All I wanted was to teach you from making mistakes—like I wish my mom had. I wish I knew you felt this way.”
Although Aaliyah knows she tried several times to tell her mom this, she catches herself from saying it.
“Well, at least you know now, right? So, you’re okay with my outfit, where I want to work—”
“Of course, Aaliyah! As long as they’re paying you well.”
“—and who I want to date?”
“Okay, now, you’re pushing it!” Jane stops, and looks at her daughter. “I mean—that one will be hard for me.”
“I know. But you don’t have to agree with it, I just need you to be supportive and respectful, and try to see what I see.”
“Okay, Aaliyah. I’ll try my best.”
Aaliyah gets up, kisses her ma on the forehead, says her goodbyes, and leaves her mom’s house feeling a hundred pounds lighter. Aaliyah and Jane still have a long journey ahead, but they’ve taken the first steps towards healing their relationship.
There will be pitfalls and setbacks, but no matter how hard it gets, Aaliyah doesn’t have to go through it alone—and neither do you. I’m here to help guide you in the unresolved conflict you have with your parents and I can provide you with the tools you need to help you shift from running away or shutting down to meeting your parents as the adult you want to be. If you are in Ontario and are seeking help to build better relationships with your parents as an adult, reach out for a free consultation today to learn how I can help you start your journey.
