Have you ever struggled in your relationship with your sibling? Have you had difficulty understanding how you can be so different despite having the same parents or childhood? You are not alone! Siblings can be the best friends you ever have, the most difficult relationships, or they can be both depending on the phases of your lives.
Why bother with sibling therapy?
Fair question. You may consider that this is how your relationship has always been and why try to change it? Here’s why…..
- If you feel tense every time the holidays approach and you prepare for family gatherings or if you notice your children sensing tension within your extended family environment, it may be time to explore the relationship and what drives this tension.
- You may find that in your own individual therapy you notice yourself talking about your sibling often and struggles that occur in the relationship.
- You may notice your children struggling to develop a healthy sibling relationship and want to model what this might look like to them.
Sibling relationships are complex and develop with influence from many variables throughout childhood. Exploring these variables and their influence can support greater understanding of the struggles in your relationship.
The uniqueness of sibling relationships
The relationships we have with our siblings are likely to be the longest relationship we have throughout our lifetime as there will always be a connection either biologically or experientially or both. The sibling relationship emerges as a subsystem within the larger family system. It does not develop independently, autonomously or voluntarily as it is influenced by the family environment, parent/child relationships and parenting style. Because of this, siblings observe and experience each other, not only through their own direct interactions, but also through their parents’ lens, which can lead to assumptions or expectations about each other. These assumptions or expectations may lead to core negative or positive beliefs about the other’s behaviours and intentions which can be difficult to alter, leading to resentment or estrangement or to deep and long-lasting bonds.
The complexities of parent/child relationships
To better understand the sibling relationship, it can be helpful to review aspects of the parent/child relationship and how it may differ between siblings. Parent/child relationships are fluid and complex, and each parent/child relationship is unique. Parental responses can be different with each child due to variations in temperament and emotional sensitivity. Consider an example of two children: one child, who will be called Damian, has a naturally quiet temperament, is easy-going, reserved, and responsive to requests versus another child, Julie, who is very independent, outgoing and extremely curious. Imagine their parents asking each of these children to clean their room. Damian may respond with “Sure mom, I’ll go and do it now”, whereas Julie may respond by saying “I’m busy, why do I even have to clean my room?” Each parent will then have their own unique responses to variations in children’s behaviours.
Parents, just like their children, have their own unique temperaments and their own degree of sensitivity to others’ emotions. All parents were also once children who learned from their own parents how to (or not to) parent, who learned what emotions are acceptable or unacceptable (in themselves, in others, in children in particular). These variables come together to inform how a child’s response is interpreted and how a parent will respond. Add to this the impact of the quality of the relationship between adults in the home – be it committed partners (whether stable and loving or in routine conflict), intergenerational families, or single parents navigating in greater isolation. Over time, based on all of these variables, a unique parent/child relationship dynamic emerges that is then also observed by other family members. This may lead to repetitive descriptive labels for a given child such as “independent,” “responsible,” “sick,” “well,” “challenging,” “confrontational,” “argumentative” etc. These labels can become self-reinforcing for a child, particularly through their developmental years, in which they are building their self-identity through the eyes of their caregivers and other important figures in their life. These labels may then evolve into specific identities or roles within the family system, which may then become internalized as core beliefs about the self and others that are believed to be factual and therefore fixed and unchanging.
The influences on sibling relationships
The parent/child relationship
These observations of parent/child relationship dynamics directly influence the sibling relationship. Imagine that Damian and Julie are fighting over who gets to sit in the front passenger seat in the car (a common sibling conflict!). The parent may respond by asking Damian to sit in the back for today and let Julie have the front seat, knowing Damian is naturally easygoing. Damian may be compliant externally, although may feel angry towards his sister for having to concede, given that she is more likely to argue until she gets her way. In this scenario, the parent is responsible for the decision and its impact on Damian, however Damian is more likely to direct his resentment towards his sister as she is the one who has taken what he wants. Over time, resentment may build, negatively impacting the sibling relationship.
Now imagine how this scenario could have a different outcome. The parent might recognize that Damian is often the one to concede, therefore they may choose to negotiate with Julie to sit in the back today and promise that she will have her turn on the next car trip. This result may lead to Julie feeling anger towards Damian for not being able to assert himself or viewing him as being favoured by the parent as they are taking his side, thereby over time also impacting the sibling relationship negatively.
External factors
Other factors that impact the whole family system and sibling relationships include developmental and behavioural expectations based on:
- birth order, such as older children having to look after younger children;
- gender-based assumptions, such as brothers needing to protect sisters;
- cultural norms which may dictate sibling roles based on birth order and generational expectations/assumptions.
In these instances, the parents may be enforcing these expectations based on assumed rules required of them as dictated by their society or culture and may feel a lack of agency in this area. Even so, these enforced roles will impact the sibling relationship, either positively or negatively, depending on each person’s experience.
The benefits of having a sibling
There are many positive aspects to sibling relationships that are also important to note. Siblings are the first people that we learn to navigate conflict and differences with how we see the world. We learn from each other what it means to have to cohabitate even when we disagree or at times don’t like each other. During childhood, the sibling relationship is unique in this aspect as each individual is forced to find a way to exist in the same space with each other which provides the opportunity to develop conflict resolution skills and learn to tolerate and accept differences in others. How this aspect of sibling relationships is managed is also dependent on the larger family system in how parents model conflict resolution themselves and support the children in their own process.
Sibling relationships can also be protective in a home where children may have parents who are struggling with mental health, trauma, intimate partner violence or other stressors which impede their capacity to provide care or be emotionally present for their children. In these instances, the siblings may be each others’ lifeline and emotional support protecting them from adversity and emotional neglect. This varies depending upon the age differential of the siblings as a larger age gap may lead to parentification of one sibling which may result in the protectiveness being one-sided.
How does sibling therapy differ from family therapy or couples’ therapy?
Family therapy
With family therapy, the focus is often on the parent/child or parents/children relationship and seeks to provide support in understanding each person’s experiences, repairing relationship ruptures, communicating more effectively and collaborating on developing a healthier relationship. The focus is often on supporting the parents in understanding their children’s perspectives and taking responsibility (which is different than blame) for the impact of their parenting on their children (even if they were experiencing difficult circumstances themselves). As family therapy explores early childhood experiences and the development of relationship dynamics, it is assumed that these experiences and dynamics developed within an unequal power structure between parent and child. This is guided by the parents’ role as being responsible for the child’s existence and development as well as being the buffer to any difficult life circumstances that arose during childhood. In this instance, the family system is explored with responsibility resting on the parents as to how the system developed and was structured.
Couples therapy
In couples therapy, the work is between two people who chose to come together as adults with assumed equal agency in building a relationship together. It is understood (although is not always correct) that each individual has the capacity and opportunity for equal power in the relationship, which is not the case in family therapy. The outcome may be that the couple may resolve their differences and improve their relationship, or may choose to separate. In the case of separation, the couple may never have to see each other again unless they are co-parenting.
Sibling therapy
As the sibling relationship is a subsystem of the family system, there are some similar elements between the structure and process of sibling therapy as compared to family therapy. As mentioned previously, the sibling relationship is influenced by the parent/child relationships given that the siblings experience each other directly through interactions as well as through their observations of their interactions with their parents. Although as adults, the family system may be less influential in the day-to-day interactions, there are often residual core beliefs stemming from childhood that can interfere with one’s ability to be open minded and receptive to the other and to see the other as their current evolved adult self. While sibling therapy does not involve the participation of parents, the parents may be “present” in the minds of the siblings.
With family and siblings therapy, even though you may become estranged from a family member, the status of the relationship as a family member persists, at least on paper if not in reality. As parents age and eventually die, the sibling relationship is often the most enduring family relationship that a person will have and becomes voluntary for the first time when both parents are deceased.
What to expect with sibling therapy
Sibling therapy is a place where you can each express, with honesty and non-judgement how you experienced your childhood relative to your sibling and to challenge the negative core beliefs and assumptions that each sibling may have carried about the other and their view of their relationship roles. Sibling therapy is not about who is right and who is wrong, nor is it about going through scores of who did what and when. Siblings may utilize therapy to explore topics such as:
- How you learned to feel about each other and what experiences helped shape how you see the other.
- How did each of you experience your parents’ support for the relationship with your sibling?
- What shared experiences do you have that helped shape who you are as an individual today?
- What pain do you still carry from the past with your sibling and what do you want to let go of?
- As adults, how do you want to reshape your sibling relationship in a way that is meaningful for your adult life stage and for your own families?
Sibling therapy will support you in seeing the distressing aspects of the interpersonal relationship pattern as the problem, rather than seeing each other as the primary problem. This gives each sibling hope that relationship change is possible.
Sibling therapy can support you to move forward from default interactional patterns and themes that leave you feeling resentful, invalidated, or misunderstood. Now that you and your sibling are both independent adults and not reliant on others within the family system, you may shift your understanding of your behaviour towards each other through learning about your individual and collective experience and perspective of your childhoods. This new understanding together may lead to greater compassion and a corrective relational experience allowing for the co-creation of a healthier sibling relationship which feels more comfortable and secure for your current stage of life.
Why now?
- Perhaps you’ve struggled in your sibling relationship for years and have accepted the need for distance and/or boundaries in order to maintain your own emotional wellbeing.
- Maybe you are writing your will and wish to consider family members as potential caregivers for your own children if something were to happen to you.
- Maybe you chose not to have a partner and/or kids, or have recently separated from a partner and would like to strengthen other family ties.
- You might be doing your own individual therapy and recognise the impact of your sibling relationship on your own identity formation and mental health.
- Maybe managing the impacts of aging parents is requiring collaboration and negotiation between you and your sibling(s) around parent support and future planning.
There are no right or wrong reasons for wanting support for yourself and your sibling. Whatever your reasons, I’m here to help. I welcome you to reach out for a 15-20 minute free consultation to learn more about how sibling therapy may help you and your sibling(s).
References
Gentry, D. B. (2001). Resolving middle-age sibling conflict regarding parent care. Conflict Resolution Quarterly, 19(1), 31-48
Strommen, Dawn Hofstad, “Adult Siblings in Therapy” (1990). Master’s Theses. 3640. https://ecommons.luc.edu/luc_theses/3640
Cassandra Shruti Sundaraja & Anisha Shah (2017) How to Work With Middle-Aged Siblings: Integration of Narrative-Behavioral Approaches in Family Therapy, Journal of Family Psychotherapy, 28:1, 76-91, DOI: 10.1080/08975353.2017.127988
Megan Gilligan (Iowa State University), Clare M Stocker (University of Denver) & Katherine Jewsbury Conger (University of California, Davis) (2020) Sibling Relationships in Adulthood: Research Findings and New Frontiers, Journal of Family Theory and Review 12 (September 2022), 305-320, DOI:10.1111/jftr.12385\
Dr. Jeronimo D’Silva (Department of Psychology, Rosary College of Commerce and Arts, Navelim, Goa, India.), Dr. Vijay Viegas (Abbé Faria Post Graduate Department of Psychology, St. Xavier’s College, Mapusa–Goa, India), Dr. Joslyn Henriques(Department of Psychology, Dhempe College of Arts and Science, Miramar-Goa, India.) (2023) Quality of Sibling Relationship and Psychological Well-Being in Adults: Impact of Sibling Dyad, Journal for Re Attach Therapy and Developmental Diversities, 2023 December; 6(10s2): 1954-1962
Sibling Issues in Therapy (book) Chapter 3 – Indirect Ways Parents Impact Sibling Bonds (pg 37-56); Chapter 4 – Direct Ways Parents Impact Sibling Bonds (pg 57-77)
