If your teen is feeling overwhelmed with decisions about their future after high school, send them this article. I walk them through why they might be feeling overwhelmed and what will help.
Teen vs.“The Future”: Decisions, Decisions, Decisions!
If you feel your parent hovering over you like a helicopter, desperate to help you face every aspect of this big transition—but actually making things harder in the process!—send them over to my article where I teach them how to be a more positive help: Facing “The Future”: Supporting Your Teen’s Transition to Adulthood.
In this article, let’s talk about decision making and why it can feel so overwhelming.
I’ll never forget the summer before starting high school when I was plagued with the most difficult decision I’d ever faced: what should I take as my grade 9 art elective???
My gosh, that was a tough one. On the one hand, there was band: I played piano and loved music—wouldn’t it be fun to learn a new instrument? On the other hand, visual art: I’d always wanted to become a better artist and envisioned myself in a paint-splattered jean jacket, focusing intently on my easel in a peaceful mid-day class. I imagined the different friend groups I might join, the different labels that might be pinned to me, the different versions of myself I might become going down one road or another. The weight of this decision felt enormous at the time, and I remember my mom (bless her heart) patiently hearing me out as I debated back and forth on many sleepless nights. I remember thinking, Is this what adulting is going to be like for me? Turmoil with every decision?
Flash forward to the end of high school, and I encountered—yet again—the most difficult decision I’d ever faced: where should I go for university???
And again, it was a tough one. I remember the pros and cons lists, scouring each school’s website, and the visits to the guidance counselor; who ultimately couldn’t make the decision for me (no matter how many times I asked). Once again, I saw parallel, mysterious lives stretching out before me, and only I had the power to choose which one to experience. Eventually, a decision had to be made… And life went on.
Would things have been better if I’d gone elsewhere? I guess I’ll never know! What I do know, years later, is that decision-making is stressful for a lot of people. And especially when you’re a teen making decisions for “The Future”, it can feel so intense!
“I Have to Get it Right”
Decision-making is a major cause of stress and anxiety in part because we feel a lot of pressure on our shoulders to make the “right decision” and take ourselves down a positive path.
Unfortunately, it’s impossible to know how each decision will turn out, unless of course you can predict the future. (In which case, you probably don’t need this article and could let me know how my PhD turns out!) For the rest of us stuck in the present, we have to rely on the traditional method—wait and find out.
“I Don’t Know What’s Coming”
We humans like to know what to expect from a given situation; it certainty makes us feel safe. When we have a routine (like going to high school every day with the same people, same teachers, same classes), we know more or less what is coming and how to prepare and behave.
But when we’re entering a new stage in life, there is so much that is unknown. Sure, we can read things online or hear about our older siblings’ experiences (if we have one), but ultimately, we must make decisions before getting to experience different options. This is an uncomfortable position to be in, and it is totally normal to feel freaked out by!
“I Want Two Different Things…”
Another reason that decisions can be so stressful is that different parts of us may have conflicting interests and needs. Maybe a part of you wants to go to college with your best friend, and another part of you is curious about living in another province altogether.
There are no “right” or “wrong” parts, and it’s valuable to listen to each one with curiosity. But it can get noisy in your mind trying to make sense of them all!
“Ok, But… What Do I Do?”
I wish I could offer you a crystal ball to see the future, but unfortunately, I can’t (still stuck in the present, unfortunately). What I can say is that confidence grows with experience, and so each time you make a tough decision and see that everything is ok, you will gain confidence in yourself for next time.
Second, it’s helpful to explore different “parts” of you which may be pulling you in different directions, to get a better sense of what each part craves and why. To give this a try, set aside 15 minutes to get your thoughts down on paper. Try the following steps:
- Give a name to the different parts: ‘my sporty self,’ ‘my best friend self,’ ‘my STEM self,’ ‘my dating self’… whatever parts feel right for you. Create a column for each self.
- In the top half of the column, write out what that part of yourself wants most.
- In the bottom half of the column, begin to identify options that would meet the need of that part of yourself.
Look for overlap and differences between the columns. Where is the overlap? Where are your wishes pulling you in very different directions? Start by just noticing this and seeing where it takes you.
Example:
This is also something that can be helpful to explore with a therapist or a career and education counsellor; sometimes having a neutral, compassionate outside perspective—ready to ask questions—will help you hone in on what you want in ways you weren’t expecting. (If you’re interested, check out the link at the end of this article.)
Finally, it may take some time but realizing that there really aren’t any “right” or “wrong” decisions, and that change is always possible, will truly make a world of difference.
I Chose “Wrong”—and It Was Okay!
Thinking back to my fated band-versus-visual-arts dilemma: I made a decision, and I soon discovered… Art class was not my thing. But I switched paths with new insights about myself that I wouldn’t have had otherwise. The same is true for so many stages and situations—all decisions will bring new experiences and learning, and you can always change your mind later.
I’m sure you’ve heard the cliché that, “It’s all part of the journey, things make sense with time;” but honestly, take it from someone who’s a couple bends ahead of you down the road: it’s really true. The more you make these decisions, the stronger you’ll feel making the next one.
If you think you might benefit from support navigating graduation anxiety, we at Transforming Emotions are here to help. Book a free consultation with a therapist who can work with you to explore your emotions, identify some tools for exploring your educational and career options, and help you feel more empowered to enter this exciting stage of life!
