Your baby finally falls asleep for their afternoon nap, and the clock starts ticking: you’ve got, at most, two hours to yourself and a chance for some much-needed rest. You’re feeling relaxed as you absentmindedly scroll through Instagram to unwind for a moment, only to have your brain hijacked by the Insta-perfect mom—she’s smiling effortlessly, feeding her baby a homemade organic puree from an ethically sourced $30 bamboo bowl, with her flawlessly curated playroom just visible in the background. You can see the labeled containers of a toy rotation system, and it’s almost like you can hear her child thanking her mom for the ideal childhood.
And just like that, your brief chance to rest is stolen by the Insta-perfect mom. All you can think about now is researching the best toys for brain development while simultaneously figuring out a plan to sell your house, because just last week you saw a post that only Montessori daycares are acceptable, and the closest center is 20km away. A panicked feeling of overwhelm sets in. You know you’re spiraling; how do you make it stop?
Perfectionism in Motherhood
(Editor’s note: We recognize that this blog applies to parenthood more generally, but in our experience, Mom’s get hit hard with parenting advice and may be more likely to be targeted with unreasonable expectations through social media posts.)
The need to be perfect in parenting can feel like an immense pressure to manage every detail of your child’s life, believing that any misstep could have lasting consequences: What and how they eat (purees or baby led-weaning?), the way you support sleep (do I swaddle, sleep train, hire a coach?), the most ideal gear (Uppababy or Babyjogger?), the safest car seat, (all-in-one or convertible?), the childcare and school you choose (nanny or daycare? private or non-profit? mainstream or alternative?), your parenting philosophy (free-range, mindful parenting, attachment-based, lighthouse parenting), or whether you allow any screen time and how you manage technology. It’s no wonder when you finally do get to bed at night, you can’t sleep for all the questions, lists, and commentary swirling around inside.
The Trap of Perfectionism (and How Social Media Fuels It)
You may feel like you need to get every decision right, maximize every minute of the day as an opportunity for enrichment, and foresee every potential problem. This mindset fuels a cycle of anxiety and doubt, pulling you further away from trusting your own parental instincts and raising your own unique child, rather than the always-smiling, always-clean, always-learning – and most importantly completely false depiction – of the Insta-perfect child. Perfectionism is exhausting, and particularly in parenthood when you’re already pushed to your limits, the extra demands of impossible to achieve expectations can become crushing.
The stress and anxiety many moms feel is fed by social media platforms like Instagram – which constantly suggest that if you’re not parenting perfectly, you’re somehow failing. This constant comparison can leave you questioning, “Am I messing up my kids?” The Insta-Perfect mom and the limitless information of social media are overwhelming, often leading to feelings of shame in motherhood—feeling who you are and what you offer your child is not possibly good enough.
Perfectionism & Highly Sensitive People
A highly sensitive person refers to the at least 20% of the population that, because of their innate temperament, experiences the world around them more deeply. Dr. Elaine Aron, a pioneering researcher of this temperament trait, uses the acronym DOES to capture commonalities across HSPs as follows:
- Depth of processing: the tendency to take in and process more information than others; relating and comparing things you notice to other similar experiences; thinking through options very carefully and thoroughly (which can mean taking longer than others to make decisions), but often making very good decisions given the degree of consideration.
- Overstimulation: given the experience of taking in and processing so much information, naturally an HSP can become overwhelmed, feeling they are beyond their capacity – feeling like they are hitting a wall in being able to cope with any more stimulation like noise, clutter, or emotional demands.
- Emotional responsivity/empathy: HSPs tend to pick up on the emotions and emotional energy of others to a greater degree. This is often not conscious, but rather a reflexive process. Subtleties in facial expression, body language, and tone of voice are filtered through an HSPs nervous system so that HSPs resonate more deeply or sensitively to perceived emotion in others and themselves.
- Sensitivity to subtleties: Not only sensing subtleties with emotional cues, but more broadly picking up on lots of little things that others might not notice. Again processing is important – not just what is picked up through the 5 senses but the depth to which it is processed.
Highly Sensitive Parents
As a highly sensitive parent, dealing with the effects of parenting messages from social media may feel even more intense. You’re deeply attuned to your surroundings, absorbing not only the subtle emotional cues from your child but also the expectations of society. Dr. Elain Aron would argue that your sensitivity is a gift—it supports your empathy and ability to make conscientious decisions—but it can also make you more susceptible to anxiety and perfectionism. You might feel every small parenting misstep more deeply or second-guess yourself when making the hundreds of micro decisions of daily life as you worry about long-term consequences. It can feel truly paralyzing, draining your energy and stealing moments of joy and connection.
For example, imagine that you enrolled your child in the one daycare that had space available after months of stressing over whether it was the right decision and now it seems your child is struggling to adjust and settle in. Your toddler is finally sleeping through the night, but you lay awake worrying about their well-being and questioning if you’vre made the right choice – perhaps you should’ve hired that expensive private nanny or interviewed more centres, or even quit your job and stayed home. Your partner tries to reassure you it will all work out, but somehow this message doesn’t soothe you. You’re not sure if you’re overreacting or picking up on something important that needs to be addressed. Of course, parents want the best for their children, and we know the science of attachment tells us that responsiveness to emotional cues is important – but somehow the intensity, pressure and confusion feels a little (or a lot!) too much.
The Keys to Confident Parenting
Trust, Connection, and Compassion
Parenting isn’t about being perfect; it’s about being present. Showing up with love, empathy, and intention—especially in moments of imperfection—creates the emotional security your child needs to thrive. By focusing on emotional connection rather than flawless execution, you become the parent your child truly needs.
While it can be tempting to poll social media influencers, podcast hosts, or even old-school blogs for the perfect answers to all the questions of parenthood, it’s empowering and freeing to gain confidence and clarity by slowing down, turning inward, connecting to your own values and parental wisdom, and trusting in your authentic presence with your child. But how do you do that?
Rather than cultivating an Insta-perfect picture, focus on cultivating trust in yourself, connection with your child, and self-compassion to strengthen you through the messy, beautiful, always-changing journey of parenthood.
Build Trust in Yourself
The more we know our deeper self, particularly when it comes to our underlying emotions, values and healthy standards, the greater our ability to use this awareness as a compass to guide the way in parenting. You can move from parental fear and confusion to clarity and purpose. Slowing down and tuning into your emotions and needs can help in this process, working to identify what you’re feeling and why. Am I really stressed because my toddler threw their food bowl on the floor again, or am I feeling tense because of the financial pressure our family is feeling? When we slow down and listen inwardly, we can also differentiate our own voice from the noise of others’ opinions – the shoulds and the external expectations. The more you slow down and pay attention to yourself and all of the variables you may be reacting to, and also slow down to observe your unique child and what they feel and need, you’ll begin to see that you already have a great deal of knowledge and insight within yourself for both you and your child to thrive.
Cultivate Connection with Your Child
Children thrive when they feel seen and understood by their care-takers. This creates a sense of safety and security that they can draw on not only as a map for other relationships, but also a place for them to develop emotional resiliency by learning to make sense of and to regulate their emotions. We can co-regulate with our child by slowing down, noticing your child’s feelings, welcoming and validating their feelings, and providing support to meet the needs of their emotions, such as for example offering comfort when your child feels sad. The attachment bond between a parent and child is incredibly powerful – the presence of a (regulated enough) parent has a containing and soothing effect on a child.
Develop Self Compassion for Your “Good Enough” Parenting Moments
You never ever have to be a perfect parent. Period. Good enough truly is good enough. Don’t take my word for it, trust the research. Psychoanalyst and pediatrician Donald Winnicott coined the phrase “the good enough mother” (which can be shifted to refer to the good enough parent) to capture what he found in his research with children and their parents, specifically that children benefit from experiencing manageable “failures” by their caregiver. Children benefit from times of imperfect responses – not hearing their cries for help and responding right away, not giving them your full attention, getting it wrong in your attempt to soothe them – as this helps them to gradually build frustration tolerance and to become resilient and adaptable to live in a totally imperfect world. I’ll say it again – good enough truly is good enough. Perfection as a goal in fact is not so beneficial for our kids (or for us parents).
Consider how you view yourself as a parent, the silent expectations you may hold and the sneaky voice of a pressuring inner critic that pushes you to strive for an impossible standard of perfection. When you are struggling, talk openly with trusted friends and other parents about the real struggles of parenting in today’s intensely pressure-driven world. There is no perfect parent, and when we vulnerably open up with others, it helps others to also open up and show their own imperfections. We can normalize the struggles and messiness of parenting and feel more connected and supported. We’re not meant to do this perfectly, and we’re certainly not meant to do it alone.
Managing Social Media
When it comes to managing the effects of social media, balance is key. Social media can help us to feel connected and understood, if it’s the right content and for limited amounts of time. Some ideas to consider:
- Reflect on how social media use makes you feel. When you’re scrolling, pause, and notice if you’re getting activated in anxiety or feelings of insecurity or whether you’re feeling curious, connected, and calm. Make the connection between what you’re taking in, and how it makes you feel in your body.
- Consider putting some limits on the content you take in from social media. Perhaps selecting only 2-3 pages to follow or 1-2 podcasts to tune into. Being a little more intentional about the content you’re taking in can be helpful as can selecting content that has realistic images and supportive messaging. If the picture looks too perfect or continually scares you about every little aspect of parenting, then click unfollow and breathe easier.
Reconnect with Your Parental Wisdom
If this resonates with you, but you’re struggling to find your inner wisdom, I invite you to reach out.
Whether you’ve just become a parent or have years of parenting expertise, it’s never too late to gain relief from parental anxiety, overwhelm, perfectionism, and self-doubt. Together, we can explore how to navigate the pressures of perfectionism, reconnect with your true self, and find more peace in your parenting journey.
At least between the bouts of illness, sleepless nights, never-ending laundry, and emotional meltdowns (theirs and yours!). Even more reason to take the pressures of perfectionism and intensive mothering down a notch.
