Your cultural identity is playing a larger role in your intimate relationships than you may have realized! Come learn how this stress develops and what you can do about it.
Inherited Love: How Family Culture Shapes Intimacy and Stress
If you’d like to learn more about the often invisible, but incredibly powerful ways that culture shock may be affecting the stress in your life, check out this connected article: Invisible But Powerful: How Culture Shock Creates Stress.
In this article, I’ll explain how your cultural identity is playing a larger role in your intimate relationships than you may have even realized!
“But I Gave You the Best”
A woman once shared with me the deep struggles in her marriage: she longed to visit a theme park with her husband and children—a simple wish for quality time and shared joy.
Yet, year after year, that dream remained unfulfilled. Instead, her husband would gift her the latest smartphone, a gesture he believed was thoughtful and generous. This single gift often served as her birthday present, anniversary gift, and Christmas surprise. But for her, each new phone brought stress rather than joy. She wasn’t tech-savvy, and adapting to a new device felt more like a burden than a blessing. Despite her discomfort, her husband genuinely believed he was giving her the best.
This story highlights a common issue in relationships: the mismatch in how love is expressed and received. According to Dr. Gary Chapman’s Five Love Languages, people tend to show love in the way they most understand: through gifts, words, acts of service, physical touch, or quality time. In this case, the husband expressed love through gift-giving, while the wife longed for shared experiences. When these languages do not align, even well-intentioned gestures can lead to misunderstanding and emotional distance.
Culture Shock: Intimacy
But this disconnect often goes deeper than personal preference—it is rooted in family culture.
When two people enter a relationship, they bring with them not only different personalities, but also distinct family traditions, habits, and values. These differences can create subtle tensions, especially when each person’s way of expressing affection or handling stress is shaped by their upbringing. What feels loving to one may feel impersonal or even stressful to the other.
This kind of “culture shock” doesn’t only happen when traveling abroad—it can occur in everyday life. Visiting a friend’s home, for example, might reveal unfamiliar family phrases, dining etiquette, or boundaries around humour and personal space. These microcultures within families shape how we relate to others and what we expect from our intimate relationships.
Traditional vs. Modern Values
For second- or third-generation members of immigrant families, this complexity deepens. They often navigate between traditional values—which emphasize stability, respect for authority, and collective well-being—and modern values, which prioritize individualism, equality, and adaptability. Even if raised in Canada, many still carry the cultural legacy of their families, creating a unique blend of expectations and identity.
These contrasting value systems can influence how intimacy is built and how stress is managed. Traditional values may encourage self-sacrifice and duty, while modern values promote emotional openness and personal growth. Understanding these dynamics can help couples bridge gaps in their relationship and foster a deeper connection.
“What Can I Do?”
If you have recognized these experiences in your own relationships, acknowledging and facing them can help you strengthen your own intimacy.
Here are some steps to get you started:
- Reflect on Yourself. Consider what influences your decisions and emotional responses. Try to separate your own intentions from cultural reflexes.
- Set Aside Time with Your Partner. Share genuine feelings with each other and accept your differences, without trying to change one another.
- Seek Professional Support. A therapist or counselor can help you and your partner navigate cultural differences and build healthier communication.
At Transforming Emotions, we’re always ready to support individuals & couples in understanding their emotions and in building their best selves. If you think our support could help, book a free consultation today.
