It isn’t always easy keeping calm at work. Between busy schedules, deadlines, and inter-office politics, it can bring up complicated feelings of anger. But the good news is there is something you can do about it.
Do you ever just feel angry at work?
Where you want to go home—before even setting foot in the door! The placement student has parked in your spot, your phone won’t stop ringing, and there’s a pile of emails you’re tempted to delete without reading. You feel your blood boiling as your manager makes themself comfortable in your office, going on about another policy change, more progress reports, and a never ending to-do list you already don’t have time for!
You need a second to breathe, and people are already hounding you. Can everyone just wait a minute?! An email pops up and you internally perceive it as condescending. Are you SERIOUS? It would feel so good to just scream at everyone, and you find yourself wishing for a natural disaster or power outage to get you out of this place right now…
I sometimes think of emotions like the cartoon images of a devil on my left shoulder and an angel on my right. When getting angry, the devil tells me to react in big ways that feed the emotion, saying or doing things that might feel good in the moment, but that I later regret. On the other shoulder, the angel wants me to resolve my anger in healthier ways, telling me to calm down, breathe deeply, and try to look at things from a different perspective. So let’s take a moment to take a new perspective on anger, what it is, and how we can better manage it.
What Is Anger?
Anger is the emotion characterized by a feeling of wrongdoing or antagonism. It is one of the “6 basic emotions,” according to the work of Dr. Paul Ekman. Anger is a natural and universal emotion and is often triggered when you feel offended or mistreated. However, it is also common that anger is a mask for other emotions lying beneath. Sometimes these emotions behind the mask are more difficult to access or harder to identify.
Anger As A Mask
Sometimes anger is masking a true emotion of hurt; like rejection, humiliation, or fear.
Suppose there is a meeting at work, and you are sharing something you feel passionate about. You had an idea to pitch to the group and you put in the time to research and think of a creative solution, and were eagerly awaiting this day to present your findings. But a coworker overshadows your presentation by interrupting and making jokes. You feel the telltale signs of anger boiling inside—but what you actually feel is rejection. You feel like your coworker is not valuing your work, nor thinks it’s good enough to listen to.
In another example, your site supervisor is interrogating you about your performance over the last month. They are questioning why your work is slower and you’re less productive than last month. You may feel a fury at being questioned about your work—but beneath the anger what you’re really feeling is fear (“does this mean I am getting fired?”) or humiliated (“maybe I am not doing as well as I thought at this job”).
Sometimes we label our emotions as anger and act accordingly because it is more familiar or acceptable (especially as a man) to be angry, than it is to be humiliated or scared. But it’s important for us to take a moment and really look at our anger, and see what other emotions might be hiding below the surface.
But What Can I Do About It?
The most important first step is recognizing your anger—when it arrives, what triggered it, and what other emotion it’s hiding. Often, emotions will catch you by surprise and force you to act without taking the time to stop and process what you’re feeling. In the case of anger, this can get one into a lot of trouble! If you practice recognizing the signs of anger, you can work on responding with helpful, rather than harmful, coping strategies when it shows up. Let’s take a look at some of the ways you can manage your anger at work. Long-term, of course, you want to uncover if there is a recurring or underlying issue that is making anger show up regularly at work.
Recognize
How does it feel? Next time you feel that familiar anger, try and pause to think about where in your body you feel it. Is there tightness anywhere? What’s happening with your face or jaw? Take note and try to recognize these warning signs.
– Triggers.
When does anger show up? Is there a certain person who brings out this emotion—the oversharing office mate or the boss who micromanages you? Maybe it’s not a person at all, but a thing: like an overflowing inbox or the morning staff meeting you find to be a challenge.
Regulate
– Breathe.
When your body is tensing, your heart is beating quickly, and you feel the flood of emotion—take a deep breath. Breathe in through your nose and count to 5, letting your lungs fill with air like a balloon at a birthday party. Hold that breath for a few seconds, then let the balloon deflate fully through your mouth for another 5 seconds. It may not seem like much, but a deep breath like this is incredibly helpful to getting your body to regulate emotions.
– Time out.
Sometimes breathing is not enough, however, and you need to leave the scene to really get relief from that feeling. Go for a bathroom break, grab a drink of water, do a lap outside. Taking a break from the situation allows you to decompress and get some relief.
Next Steps
Recognizing and regulating will equip you with some tools to get through angry situations as they come up, but therapy can help you explore the underlying issues that may be contributing to your anger in the workplace. Uncovering the emotions that hide beneath the surface of your anger may unlock ideas and changes that can help in the long run, and get you back to feeling happier and more productive at work.
So the next time you feel angry at work, instead of wishing for a natural disaster or saying something you’ll regret to your boss, recognize your anger and look for a brief window to hit the pause button to take a break, regulate, reflect—and then act. Afterwards, think about reaching out to Transforming Emotions where our skilled clinicians can help you understand where your anger comes from and teach you some advanced tools to manage it.
