Marissa sipped her coffee as she flipped through her agenda, noting today’s tasks: an early morning conference session in the fancy boardroom, a business meeting over lunch with prospective clients, and consulting in the afternoon; a very normal day. But she had to take a deep breath when looking at her reflection in the mirror as she put on her make-up—because there it was, first thing in the morning:
I am embarrassed to show up to work like this. I look hideous, tired, haggard. I am hideous. And old.
An all too familiar, ominous voice. Swallowing the tension rising in her chest, she carried on like any other morning. But on her walk to work, Marissa noticed some passersby casually looking at her—and there it was again…
They’re staring at me because I look like trash.
Feeling tense and insecure, she averted her gaze and powered her way to work, trying to ignore the shadow cast across her thoughts.
Halfway through the day, Marissa was counting down the remaining hours. She didn’t feel her lunch meeting with the prospective clients went well, and she was worried. It was her responsibility to get them to sign with the firm—she couldn’t screw it up.
They hated me. I’m a bad representation of the company. I’m not as capable as the other people on my team. I’m Just. Not. Smart. If I blow this, no one will ever respect me again.
Marissa felt the tension rising in her chest, but worse this time. The monstrous shadow was there, creeping through her thoughts. Did she really mess this up? Did they really not like her? Marissa felt nauseous at the thought. She tried to get through the rest of her day, but struggled to focus. She kept reliving the lunch, and how her obvious failings led her to fumble the meeting. She started questioning her skills, talents, and what she was doing at this company in the first place, all while the ghastly voice roared louder and louder.
I just don’t have it! I don’t have the body, the mind, or the ability to get better! I am a failure! I am worthless!!!
Ouch.
A Cruel Monster
This internal monologue of merciless berating is so cruel, so unrelentingly critical of Marissa’s looks, her abilities, and her very worth as a person that it sends her into ‘shutdown’ mode. As it berates Marissa, she has no defenses up against it. She starts to believe this voice that is so mean to her.
What is this monstrous voice, and why does she let it attack her in such a vicious, demeaning way?
This merciless self-berating is an experience nearly all of us are intimately familiar with. It is the inner critic—that harsh, internal judge and cruel perfectionist that berates us with an endless barrage of negative self-talk. For Marissa, this inner critic has become a disembodied persecutor – a looming, shadowy monster in the corners of her mind. Haunting her actions from inside, it reinforces her deepest insecurities and fears of failure.
What Is the Inner Critic?
The inner critic is that brutal internal judge that serves to criticize us with negative self-talk. Like a creature in a horror movie, it stalks our mind, turning up always when we least want it. It’s the voice that catastrophizes situations, blows things out of proportion, and tells us we are destined to fail before we even try. If you’ve found your way to this article, then you probably feel it constantly nagging at your every move and decision, telling you you’re not good, smart, or worthy enough or railing at the next catastrophe that is certainly just around the corner. If left unchecked, the inner critic can wreak havoc on your self-esteem, motivation, confidence, and overall well-being.
While it is normal to have an inner critic to some degree, your inner voice has the capability of becoming overwhelming. It drives unhealthy thought patterns and behaviours that can hold you back from reaching your full potential.
Where Does the Inner Critic Come From?
The seeds of the inner critic are often planted in childhood, though it can develop at any point in your life. It comes from internalizing critical, fearful, or dismissive expressions from parents, teachers, peers, and other influential figures. The critic can also develop from traumatic experiences that instill false core beliefs that you are fundamentally flawed, unworthy, unsafe, or unlovable.
The inner critic often takes root during childhood because that is when we are most vulnerable to internalizing critical voices and messages that shape our core beliefs about ourselves. For many, the seeds are planted by parents or authority figures who, whether intentionally or not, communicate degrees of demeaning, fearful, or dismissive attitudes. A parent’s offhand comment about a child’s lack of talents or irritation with their behaviour can implant the notion that the child is inadequate or inherently flawed. Repeated experiences of harsh criticism, neglect, or abuse can further reinforce these beliefs, causing the child to internalize a harsh inner voice that echoes the negative rhetoric.
Even for those from more supportive backgrounds, the inner critic may develop as a way to avoid pain, disappointment, or feelings of inadequacy in the face of societal pressures or traumatic experiences. The critic’s remarks become a maladaptive coping mechanism to brace against future hurts or failures. Its demoralizing presence is meant to temper expectations and insulate from emotional injury, albeit in a destructive, self-sabotaging way.
Essentially, your inner critic arises from early emotional injuries and negative core beliefs about the self—that you are unlovable, incompetent, unattractive, incapable, or unworthy in some fundamental way. These beliefs, ingrained from childhood experiences and societal influences, give rise to the critic’s unrelenting harsh voice that reinforces the very insecurities it stems from. The more entrenched the critic becomes, the more it perpetuates a cycle of self-abasement or fear. In my work, this cycle is broken by developing self-compassion, confidence, assertive anger, and by rewiring your deep-seated negative schemes.
Unhealthy Patterns
The inner critic can manifest in many unhealthy patterns, including:
- Perfectionism and procrastination from fear of failure
- Self-sabotaging behaviours, like either avoiding or taking excessive risks
- Social withdrawal, isolation, and lack of assertiveness
- Imposter syndrome and an inability to accept praise
- Negative body image and disordered eating patterns
- Substance abuse, often to numb the critical inner voice
At its core, the inner critic is driven by deep insecurities accompanied by fear or shame. It develops as a coping mechanism to avoid pain, disappointment, and feelings of inadequacy. However, the critic’s tactics of harsh self-judgment ultimately do more harm than good.
You should just give up while you’re ahead.
When we recognize our inner critic, we begin to detach from its harshness and create a clear distinction between its voice and our own.
Rather than internalizing this as ourselves (e.g. “I am not worthy”), the inner critic becomes more like an outer character that impinges on our lives (e.g. “You are not worthy).
Marissa stalked home with a general sense of unease. While she knew most of her anxiety was from the stressful workday, she couldn’t pinpoint the other feelings of dread and disdain. What she did know for certain was that these feelings and racing thoughts would keep her up at night. She thought about canceling her plans with friends and calling in sick to work the next day.
Lose the client, lose your job. Loss is something you are familiar with. Just like you lost your partner. They were right to leave. You’re a failure.
Marissa was no stranger to sharing her mind with her critic. But she recognized how conceding with it, surrendering to its horrible noise, was starting to really impact her work. It had already led to mistrusting herself in her relationships, as she struggled to trust that romantic partners could be benevolent, and that friends did not have ulterior motives. The critic would not let her trust and feel good. She was too tethered, or fused, to its painful ‘insights,’ and it was wreaking havoc on her life.
Enough was enough. That night, Marissa took to the search engine to look for professional assistance.
Wait, what? But if you go to therapy, then they’ll see how much of a failure you are!
What Makes the Critic so Powerful and Relentless?
In horror movies, monsters are ominous, shadowy figures that we only see in silhouette, in order to build terror and fear in our imagination. That’s the secret to making them seem and feel so scary. The same can be said about your inner critic. It is powerful because it also exists in the dark – kept separate from others in case it reveals to them the real you. Then, alone, you feel its presence stalking your actions, weighing you down.
Just like not seeing a Hollywood monster, not really understanding your inner critic makes it feel even more scary. For Marissa, the monster’s—the inner critic’s—lack of structure and clear visibility allows it to lurk at the edges of her awareness, creeping out to hurl insults at her and instill seeds of self-doubt. It’s hard for her to see its edges, to call it out for what it is—a bully and a fearmonger—and work towards shifting her fear by addressing it head-on:
I’m afraid I’m not worthy of love and respect…
With Marissa’s anxiety mounting, seeking help for her feelings of self-criticism and physical unease was a priority. It was also really hard. Her critic was not onboard. With a desire to feel better in her body and address her negative thinking and self-sabotage, Marissa found a local therapist that could help her understand her inner critic using an Emotion Focused framework.
As she worked with her therapist to understand and address her negative self-talk, Marissa’s critic started to take a tangible form. Finally seeing it, she was able to not fear it, nor listen to its words as truth. Instead, she learned to put the critic on a platform, identify its voice, and, eventually, look past its smoke and mirrors to realize the true nature and intention of the critic – its misguided and outdated attempts to actually protect her from harm. With help, Marissa was able to transform her feelings of anxiety and hopelessness into confidence, empowerment, and assertiveness.
Don’t Let Your Inner Critic Stop You
Your inner critic may try to convince you that seeking help is futile or that you are unworthy of feeling better. But do not listen to that monstrous voice. You have the power to cultivate self-compassion, silence the critic, and live more freely.
If you are ready to stop letting your inner critic run your life, reach out for a therapy consultation today. At Transforming Emotions, we use an Emotion Focused approach that tackles inner critics head on. You deserve to break free from the constraints of harsh self-judgment and negativity. Taking that first step to address your inner critic can open you up to newfound confidence, resilience, and inner peace.
