Too many men I’ve talked to think therapy will make them weak, choosing to go it alone and “be strong.” In this article I want to reframe the way you think about therapy: it is not a weakness to ask for help—it shows bravery, strength.
As he refilled his coffee again, James slumped against the counter in the staff room and stared at the mental health poster on the wall. He got 10 hours of sleep last night, but he still felt exhausted. He needed to get back to work, but the thought of five more hours until quitting time was overwhelming—and then he was supposed to see Jenn tonight, but there was no way he had the energy for that, either. What was wrong with him? Why was it so hard to just “be strong,” as his buddies would say. He continued to stare blankly at the poster’s last line: “Therapy can help.” Maybe he needed some help?
We all know the kind of poster James is looking at—there’s a cartoon drawing of a brain and a staggering statistic about men’s mental health or depression, like “1 in 8 men will experience depression;” followed by “let’s talk about it.” It all seems kind of silly, when it’s hanging on the break room wall. But it’s not so silly when, like James, you’re living it. By no fault of his own James is feeling depressed—and it’s making every part of his life harder.
The next morning James zipped into the parking lot and the only spot left, furthest from the building. He was already 15 minutes late for work. Sending an email to his manager, he hurried to the entrance saying he would join the morning meeting momentarily. He went into the bathroom and splashed water on his face, frustrated that it was only mid-morning and he’d forgotten to bring his lunch and his wallet. He stared at a message on his phone from Jenn that read, “Can we talk?” and ignored it, stuffing the phone back in his pants pocket.
That evening he forced himself to go to soccer and decided to bring his situation up with a few friends. Bill from next door laughed and told James not to worry so much and went on a diatribe about therapy making people soft. Pete wasn’t exactly encouraging either, talking about that one therapy appointment he did with his now ex-wife. The parting words from his buddies were essentially, “toughen up, and it will be fine,” but James was being strong—and everything still felt hard.
The parting words from his buddies were essentially, “toughen up, and it will be fine,” but James was being strong—and everything still felt hard.
It’s no wonder James is having such a hard time—when you don’t feel yourself, other parts of your life suddenly seem so much harder. All you want to do is go back to feeling better as soon as possible, but when you cannot put your finger on the issue—how do you resolve it? Who can you talk to that can walk you through this? Sometimes you need more than a warm Coors light in Bill’s garage to fix things. Especially because, as boys, we’re taught to “be strong” and that strength doesn’t include talking—especially about our emotions! “It’s not productive” and “emotions make you weak.”
Of course, it becomes so much easier to stuff those little suckers in the centre console of your truck, and let them get buried under all the Canadian Tire receipts. I get it, it’s hard to open up—to be vulnerable. We are afraid of being hurt or judged. We may think this will change people’s perceptions of us; it may make us look incapable. But therapy is not about judgement—it’s about understanding what you are struggling with, helping you forge the path forward, and emerging armed with strategies and a new kind of strength. Doing nothing does not require bravery, but showing up and reaching out for support, even when things are uncomfortable, requires courage.
Whether we say it aloud or not, that’s a common question a lot of men ask—”What am I going to do?”
James drove home that night feeling even more conflicted. He was actually starting to think therapy might be a good next step for him—but after hearing from the guys he was not so sure. Maybe they were right and he just needed to be strong, deal with this on his own and move through it. On the other hand, James still felt exhausted and experienced an undeniable panic each time he received another email from his manager or a message from Jenn. What was he going to do?
When life gets overwhelming, when things get harder than they should be, when depression settles into your psyche, you just want to know, “What am I going to do?” Let’s look at James, and two paths he may take.
On the first path, James closes the browser window with contact information for a therapist, and decides to tough it out alone, hoping he’s able to find a way to feel better. But his performance at work continues to suffer, and eventually his relationship with Jenn comes to an end. He spends more nights alone and avoids socializing with the guys because he lacks the energy.
I’ve talked with so many men like James. Men hurting from depression and the pressures of life, unsure about therapy and its benefits. But the benefits are real!
On the second path, he books a consultation appointment with a therapist, deciding that asking for advice from a professional is being strong. He decides to talk to someone ready to listen, without judgement, someone who helps him figure out the best steps for moving forward. It may be uncomfortable at first, sure—but what does he really have to lose by trying?
It Feels Good
The benefits of therapy are that it feels good! No really, it can feel good to have a space to speak uninterrupted, to alleviate the worry you have, and to about the tough stuff. Sometimes people tell me that they did not want to burden their friends and family with their problems and instead they have been keeping it bottled up. You need to release that pressure!
Therapy Teaches
Therapy can also teach you things! Not just tools and strategies to cope, but why you feel what you feel. Things make more sense when we understand the why. We will use this understanding to work on strategies we can use to feel better and ways to shift our mindset to lead to overall improvement in mood!
Understanding Relationships
Therapy can also help you to understand and strengthen relationships with others in your life. Maybe it’s an interpersonal issue with your manager or coworker, or maybe you and your partner are struggling to communicate. Sometimes we can examine the ways we are communicating or the expectations we have of others in our lives and find ways to fine tune these relationships.
Personal and Professional Productivity
Feeling good leads to productivity in your personal and professional life – feeling that you have the bandwidth to get more of the work tasks done in your workday, with less time spent putting things off or feeling like you don’t know where to start. After work, it’s about feeling motivated to accomplish your personal to-do list—whether it’s making dinner for your family or spending time with friends.
If James were to call me, the first thing I would say when he finished telling me his story is, “I am happy you scheduled this appointment. I know how hard it is to get here.” I know taking that first step is hard—and also that you’re strong enough to do it.
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