I have learned a lot about anxiety in my life, personally and professionally. Each of these lessons has helped me to better understand how to effectively treat anxiety.
In my teens and 20’s I suffered from anxiety. I was a worrier. I worried about failure, about my future, and about whether I was loveable. I had a lot of trouble sleeping. I was often tense. I started pulling away from friends, family, and pleasurable activities to study more. I started to feel more and more lonely and disconnected in my anxiety. If you identify with any of these experiences, you won’t be surprised to learn that it was actually pretty terrible.
Through the course of my life, I have had the true privilege of easily accessing mental health care – something others in my family and rural hometown community did not often have. I attended both peer support and therapy groups. I saw an individual therapist in university, and again later in life.
Early on, I learned through peer support and therapy groups that there were many other people with an experience of anxiety similar to mine. I was not alone! This principle of “universality,” or recognizing one’s commonalities with others, is important in reducing shame and stigma as part of addressing mental health concerns.
In working with an individual therapist, I had space with a skilled and non-judgemental listener to explore what was under the surface of my symptoms – how I had developed these patterns, and how I might begin to undo them. Understanding the roots of our challenges with emotions or behaviours can reduce shame and build insight, both of which can help us do the work to change current patterns to improve our well-being.
As I was training as a therapist myself, I was exposed to many different ways of helping people to manage and then overcome anxiety, including cognitive behavioural therapy₁ and elements of dialectical behaviour therapy.₂ I learned that certain patterns of thinking are common in anxiety. I learned how to recognize and challenge these patterns in myself and in others – patterns like:
“All-or-none” thinking
This is typified by statements such as “Everyone thinks my presentation is boring,” or “No one likes me.” However, absolutes are rarely true. People have a wide range of opinions and experiences. When you catch yourself in all-or-none thinking patterns, stop and assess. You are likely not seeing the whole picture.
For example, before presenting at my first conference, I assumed everyone would hate my short presentation and my anxiety was so high it was preventing me from concentrating. A lovely mentor shared her belief that, in any audience, 20% will love what I have to say because it confirms their own beliefs. 20% will hate what I have to say because they disagree with my position. 60% will be thinking about lunch. However accurate that statement, it immediately took the pressure off and was a great shift away from all-or-none thinking!
“Mind-reading”
This occurs when we believe we know what someone is thinking without checking it out. When you catch yourself in this pattern, take the time to stop and identify:
- Your perceptions: what exactly you heard, saw, smelled, tasted, or physically felt against your skin in a given moment. This might include identifying the actual words someone said to you, or their facial expression as they spoke.
- Your feelings: which emotions did you experience when you perceived the words, sounds, sights, smells, or sensations you noted above?
- Your assumptions: notice what thoughts or beliefs formed in the context of your feelings and perceptions.
Now, check to see if your assumptions are true through dialogue or through gathering evidence both for and against your beliefs.
For example, if my partner looks at me with a blank face or neutral expression while I am completing a household chore, I might feel unappreciated or believe that she is critical of what I am doing. I might then react to her as though she is upset, without first checking it out, starting a pattern of conflict between us. I learned that, in my case, when my partner has a neutral facial expression, she is most often simply lost in her own thoughts rather than being focused on me at all.
“Mental filter” (Accentuating the negative)
This happens when we focus only on the negative in an unbalanced way while turning a blind eye to positive events or experiences. This thought trap tends to be associated with symptoms of anxiety or depression. Rarely is a situation entirely good or entirely bad. When we are only noticing negative aspects of a situation, it is time for us to put on our thinking caps and actively look for signs of agency or potential. When we look for them, we are more likely to find them.
“Should-ing myself”
Repeatedly using harsh “should” statements and other ways of pressuring ourselves keeps us feeling chronically on edge. While a little pressure can sharpen our focus and attention for simple tasks, for complex tasks excessive pressure seldom improves performance. For complex tasks and longer-term goals patience, perseverance, and self-compassion₃ are often what is needed.
In my case, what I learned about anxiety in graduate school helped me to better cope with anxiety, but I still had a lot of anxiety to cope with. As a psychologist, I have continued to learn and grow. I learned more about experiential therapy (therapies that work directly with emotions rather than thoughts or behaviours). From these therapies I learned that:
- We can’t change the past, but we can change the feelings that come when we remember the past (even when we don’t have clear and specific memories of past events).
- When we experience our emotions fully and directly, we can change old stuck emotion with new emotion.
I learned that I could actually have new feelings in response to stressors in my life – feelings of curiosity, determination, excitement, and calm – instead of anxiety. I was then able to redirect my energy from coping with anxiety, to living my life more fully.
After grappling with anxiety in my personal life and in my training as a psychologist, I have learned that anxiety is definitely treatable. We can all learn tools and strategies to significantly reduce anxiety symptoms in our lives, and sometimes we can truly replace long-standing anxiety with new and healthier feelings. While symptom reduction can often occur relatively quickly (over the course of weeks or months) deep changes can take longer. Working with a well-trained psychotherapist, social worker, or psychologist can help speed up the journey.
Endnotes
https://hbr.org/2016/04/are-you-too-stressed-to-be-productive-or-not-stressed-enough
