Transitioning from adolescence into young adulthood is no simple task, and is guaranteed to come with anxieties and big emotions for your teen—and for you! It’s hard to watch them struggle when they start making decisions for themselves, but there’s plenty of support you can provide.
Facing “The Future”: Supporting You Through Your Teen’s Transition to Adulthood
It’s 3am and you can hear your teenager, still awake, tossing and turning in their bed. You’re worried about what is going on in their head…
I can’t sleep. When I close my eyes all I see is my first day of university—T-minus 312 days away!—and I’m already late for a class on the opposite end of campus. I see myself poring over a chemistry textbook that may as well be written in another language, sweating because I can’t get a single concept to stick in my brain. I’m clutching a can of beer in the corner of a crowded dorm room, searching for a familiar face and realizing I’m completely alone.
Then another wave of dread hits me—do I even want to go to university?
What school should I even pick?
What will I major in?
Maybe college makes more sense; or getting a job straight from high school?
I hear the workforce is brutal whether you have a bachelor’s degree or not, and Charlie is taking a gap year, that sounds like a cool idea, but would I teach English in Thailand or go backpacking in Europe… with what money though, maybe I really should get a job…
Oh, to be a budding young adult… and their parent. So many possibilities and doors held open—and yet so much to feel anxious about!
Perhaps this narrative is familiar to you; perhaps you’ve heard versions of it from your own teen. You’ve certainly wondered what’s going through their mind as you take them to their third college visit this month, or when they tell you their teacher warned them that, “No one will hold your hand in the real world.” If your teen is overwhelmed by “The Future,” or you suspect they might be, trust me—they are not alone. And neither are you!
Becoming an Adult is Hard
Statistics Canada reports that one in four young Canadians aged 16 to 21 rates their mental health as “poor” or “fair.” But are we really that surprised? When they have so many changes coming their way, so many decisions to be made amid a constant onslaught of information and conflicting messages, it’s overwhelming, to say the least!
But I have good news for you: whatever anxieties and emotions your teen is dealing with at this time, they will be ok. It might be hard for them (and you!) to believe right now, but they will figure it out in good time. In fact, feeling confused and anxious is really a part of the journey they are embarking on and a critical part of their development into an adult. Another piece of good news: both they and you have greater capacity to cope with this transitional period than you may realize, and there are many great tools to add to your coping toolboxes.
Understanding Teenage Anxiety
Before getting to those tools, I want to take a moment to talk about the purpose of anxiety, the anxieties your teen may be feeling, and how to identify their symptoms.
Anxiety’s Purpose
Anxiety is a reaction to stress: it is a fear response that keeps on going, even when there’s no immediate danger around. In a way, anxiety is a protective part of us that is trying to keep us safe when things feel scary, by keeping us on high alert and, sometimes, distracting us from painful emotions like loneliness and shame. Importantly, it is also a common reaction to stressful life events, transitions, and periods of uncertainty—like the end of high school, the runway to “empty nest syndrome,” and the start of new chapters.
Anxiety Symptoms in Teens
Unfortunately, when anxiety takes over, it certainly doesn’t feel protective. In teens, it often interferes with their capacity to notice and enjoy the positive things in their lives (Learning to drive! Prom!) and to draw on their wisdom in making decisions (Like choosing a school they want instead of following their friends). They may experience any combination of physical and mental symptoms: racing thoughts, muscle tension, excessive worries that get in the way of enjoying daily life, restlessness, and trouble sleeping at night.
Spotting Your Teen’s Anxiety
As a parent, it may be very clear to you that your teen is struggling with anxiety in these areas, especially if they have openly expressed such concerns to you. Some teens, however, are much less expressive of what’s on their mind, refusing to talk about the intense feelings they’re having. (Sounds like my younger brother….) Other teens may not even be fully aware of their feelings or why they’re experiencing them.
It’s helpful to recognize some signs that your teen may be feeling anxious about “The Future.” They may, for instance, seem more “down”, withdrawn, or zoned out; perhaps distracted by worries crowding their mind. They may also be particularly irritable, seeming more sensitive to feedback or requests and snapping at things that they would otherwise shrug off. They might complain of feeling physically unwell, with an upset stomach, changes in appetite, or difficulties sleeping. You might also observe changes in their behaviour, like avoiding activities related to the stressor (like that university fair you kept reminding them about). On the flip side, they may seek out all the information they can get their hands on to make sure they are 100% prepared and making all the right decisions. Some teens may also keep extra busy with schoolwork, extracurriculars, media, or socializing to distract themselves from the anxiety demons being held at bay.
Key Sources of Post-Secondary Anxiety
While you’re watching for these symptoms in your teen, I’d like to offer you something else to watch for. In my experience, while teen anxieties manifest in a variety of ways, they often share common roots that are highly relatable at this stage in development.
Decisions, Decisions, Decisions!
There are a lot of decisions to be made as high school winds down and an unclear future stretches out ahead. The options of what to do following graduation can feel at once endless and limited by factors like peer and family pressures, finances, competition, and perceived preparedness. Weighing so many pros and cons and envisioning diverse pathways—all of them hypothetical and unknowable—is overwhelming for many teens.
This is particularly true if your teen is facing more freedom in their decision-making than they ever have before. With great freedom comes great responsibility, and whatever path they choose, the consequences will be on their shoulders. This is a heavy weight to bear for teens who are used to letting the “adults” take charge. And when we consider that at this stage in development, teens’ logical minds are still growing and are easily pulled this way and that by messaging from friends, parents, teachers, social media, and TV—it’s no wonder there are a million ideas competing in their minds!
So if you notice your teen seeking all the advice they can get or, on the other hand, remaining in limbo until the night of application deadlines, there’s a good chance that decision-making anxiety is hitting them hard.
What If I Can’t Do It?
For many teens, low self-confidence is truly at the heart of their future-related anxiety—including, but not limited to, anxiety about decision-making.
Most teens have spent their whole lives following a very predictable script: they go to school five days a week, do homework when it’s given, manage a few chores around the house, maybe fit in some hockey or band practice, and they show up when and where their family expects them to. Importantly, this script is very familiar to them and it is near-identical to those followed by their friends and teens across the country.
But now—the script is about to change, and doubts are creeping in…
What if I’m not smart enough? What if I don’t make any friends in university? What if my old friends desert me when they move away? What if dating just ends in disappointment? What if I fail my courses? What if I suck at my job? What if I’m homesick? What if I can’t pay back my debt? What if I regret my choices?
While some of these worries may sound extreme, remember that teens have never been in this situation before. We know that confidence grows through experience, but teens have less experience to draw on to assure themselves they can handle the decision-making and novel situations they’ll soon find themselves in.
So if your teen snaps at your reminder about job applications, know that beneath the irritation might be anxiety about potential failure or other deeper worries.
What Can Parents Do?
If your teen is grappling with anxiety about the impending doom of adulthood—take a breath… in and out. I know that, on some level, you feel anxious too, and eager to help alleviate their stress. Let’s take a look at the tools you can use to support your teen through this transition.
Reframe the Journey
One of the most important things you can do as a parent is help shift your teen’s perspective of challenging experiences, and view them all as part and parcel to the journey they are on. Learning how to tackle challenges that grow in size over time is part of growing up. Developing the confidence that your teen can make effective decisions (including learning to make mistakes and recover from failure) is an important part of a teen becoming an adult…for both teens and their parents!
Be present for your teen’s successes as much as their failures. Cheer them on from the sidelines, and remind them that every experience is an important part of the journey, even if they can’t see that just yet. Decisions and commitments can change over time; progress is rarely linear. Because really, it is a journey, and much of the turmoil they may be experiencing is a necessary step towards figuring out what they’re good at, what they want, and how to get there. As I mentioned before, confidence grows through experience and so living that experience each day is something that cannot be bypassed.
Recognize Teens’ Emotions and Underlying Needs
Another transformative step you can take is to view your teen’s emotions for what they are: extremely informative tools that help us determine what they need in the moment to feel safe and empowered to move forward.
Try initiating conversations with your teen about how they are feeling or, when that’s out of reach, aim to notice signs of changing emotions or behaviours and respond accordingly. When teens feel scared or anxious, they may benefit from you validating their concerns, reflecting their emotions back, and normalizing them: “Of course you’re nervous about big changes! Who wouldn’t be?” And then, offer comfort or other signs of safety, like reminding them that you and their friends will never be more than a phone call away when they feel alone.
Recognize Their Strengths and Values
In times of stress and hardship, it can be easy to lose sight of what actually matters to your teen, and all the things they’re really great at. Sometimes it takes a third party (enter: you!) to remind them of their strengths and encourage them to connect with their values when making post-secondary plans.
Pointing out your teen’s strengths (Creativity! Friendliness! Resilience! Leadership!) can help them take back their power when self-confidence is low. Additionally, encouraging them to do some reflecting on their own strengths, and some digging into what they value can help them make wise decisions that feel aligned with them.
For guidance on exploring values, take a look at my article targeted at teens to help them on their way.
Have Self-Compassion for Your Own Emotions
While your teen is the one living out their story, it is completely natural for difficult emotions of your own to arise too! As much as it’s a big deal for your teen to be entering the “real world,” it is also a big deal to witness your child beginning that chapter and to prepare to step back a bit as they begin to make more decisions for themselves. Remember, at the end of the day, we all want our children to feel comfortable and confident making big decisions to guide their lives as they become competent adults in their own right.
Be curious about the emotions that are showing up for you and bring compassion to them. There’s absolutely a part of you that wants to swoop in and save the day–to write an application essay or two for your teen or tell them which program you think they should pursue. Maybe there’s a part of you that is envious of the doors open to your teen—doors that were never open to you. There may also be parts of you that are proud and confident in your teen’s capacity to navigate the world (with you as an invaluable safety net). Regardless of what is showing up, allow yourself to sit with the discomfort, taking a breath and a step back, and reminding yourself that letting them navigate this journey is what will build them up most.
Empathy
Finally, it is so important to broach these topics with your teen with patience, care, and above all, empathy.
It may help to put yourself in your teen’s shoes and imagine what it must feel like for them, swapping familiarity and comfort for more change and uncertainty than they’ve likely ever encountered. If you find them difficult to console or reason with at this time, remember that what they’re going through is very new, and your support can go a long way. Being an active listener to their ramblings, their cheerleader as they meet each milestone, and a shoulder to cry on when things don’t go to plan are all ways to show you are there for your teen through the ups and downs.
Transitioning from adolescence into young adulthood is no simple task, and is guaranteed to come with anxieties and big emotions—for them, and for you! But as hard as it is to watch, that struggle is what will help your teen become a well-rounded, confident adult. That being said, facing a struggle doesn’t mean going it alone.
If you think that your teen would benefit from additional support navigating anxiety on these topics, we at Transforming Emotions are here to help. Book a free consultation with a therapist who can work with them to explore their emotions and feel more empowered to enter this exciting stage of life.
If you think you may benefit from some support as you prepare for your teen to leave the nest, book a free consultation with one of our team members who specialize in supporting parents of children at any age. We’ve been there, and we’re happy to help you navigate this important milestone in your own parenting journey.
Resources for Teens
Follow the links below to find articles written for teens which seek to demystify anxiety about post-secondary transitions and highlight tangible tips. If you think your teen is grappling with anxiety on these topics and might be interested in some insights and guidance, encourage them to check these out!
Link to Support post 1 by Ariella
Link to Support post 2 by Ariella
Link to Support post 3 by Ariella
Link to Support post by Dina Helale
Resources for Post-Secondary Students
If you have a child who is already in post-secondary studies, or if you want to learn more about supports and needs at that stage, check out our Post-Secondary Student Mental Health page.
https://transformingemotions.ca/from-stress-to-success-mental-health-solutions-for-students/
https://transformingemotions.ca/how-do-i-use-my-student-health-insurance-for-therapy/
https://transformingemotions.ca/the-students-guide-to-mental-health-care-affordable-options-for-ontario-students/
Resources for Parents
Seeking more supports for your own transition as a parent or couple? We have therapists who have a soft spot in their hearts for parents and couples who are transitioning through to life beyond their children’s departure from the home. View our Team Page to help you find the right fit, or book now for a free phone consultation with a team member who will help you find the right fit for your needs.
