As I started coming to terms with my ADHD diagnosis, I realized it hadn’t just shaped my internal world—it had quietly shaped my marriage, too. I took the diagnosis seriously and threw myself (okay, hyperfocused) into learning everything I could about ADHD, far beyond what was covered in grad school.
But even with all that knowledge, the tension between my husband and me didn’t just disappear. He was still exasperated by the clutter I left in my wake, all the forgotten, half-finished projects. He still felt let down by weekends that slipped by because I couldn’t commit to activities that felt too overwhelming or because I simply got lost in other tasks. He still quietly shut down in response to my chaotic, often rageful last-minute scrambles to get out of the house on time. With the right tools and approaches, I was making progress in all these areas—which meant more peace for both of us—but when my challenges did pop up, they seemed to affect him no less.
ADHD and Me Us
What I eventually realized is that having a differently wired brain wasn’t just something I needed to understand and manage: it was something my husband needed to understand, too. And we both had to recognize how ADHD was showing up in our relationship and how it was impacting each of us. Only then could we meet each other with more compassion and begin the work of doing things differently as a team.
This looked like my husband understanding that the clutter I so effortlessly left in my wake was not a reflection of misaligned values or a choice I was making. Despite him logically knowing that ADHD means I struggle with things that are easy for him, it was hard for him to shift his interpretations. We had to be really intentional about breaking that cycle:
I leave clutter → he sees clutter → he feels frustrated, disappointed, or hurt → I feel ashamed and defensive.
It took real, meaningful conversations for us to start seeing beyond the surface and begin to deeply understand each other’s experiences: how the chaos of clutter feels destabilizing for him; how he’s learned to keep quiet about it to avoid a fight, but it later brims over; how I get swallowed up by overwhelm when organizing belongings; how my defensiveness is sometimes protection against the suffocating grip of shame that comes with facing the fact that a simple task is hard for me; how I do value a tidy home and in fact long for its calmness.
Building Strategies
From these shared understandings, practical strategies began to take shape that helped us break out of our old patterns. Once my husband recognized that I wasn’t ignoring clutter on purpose but simply didn’t notice it (thanks to a scattered ADHD brain), he started gently pointing it out. And because it came from a place of care rather than criticism, I could actually hear it. I even began to appreciate the reminders. Instead of getting frustrated when I couldn’t tackle a messy area right away, we started treating those moments as opportunities to make a plan together: when I’d address it, how I’d do it, and what kind of support I might need (like him distracting the kids so I had uninterrupted time to focus).
We also renegotiated areas of responsibility, like making sure I wasn’t solely responsible for tidying the kids’ items, and figured out shared systems that worked far better with my brain (like keeping a box for outgrown kids’ clothes or toiletry refills upstairs near the bedrooms, rather than all the way down in the basement where he’d originally preferred). He faced the reality that I wasn’t going to spontaneously turn into an organized person, while I faced the reality that—ADHD or not—I needed to change some of my habits.
We repeated the same process with other areas where ADHD showed up. Starting with an openness to understand the other person’s experience, and working towards strategies that accommodate both our needs. Of course, we’re constantly working on these strategies, but at least now we both know what’s actually going on and have a map for moving forward. And perhaps most importantly, with the weight of all the heavy feelings on both our ends lifted, it was so much easier to feel more connected to one another.
ADHD and Couples Therapy
ADHD research literature clearly confirms the negative impact on relationships when the disorder goes undiagnosed. But a diagnosis won’t magically address your relationship problems. In my work with couples, my own experience hit home just how important it is to actively work with ADHD when one (or both) partners has a diagnosis, rather than consider the diagnosis incidental.
Too often couples fall into an unspoken agreement: the partner with ADHD takes full responsibility for managing their challenges, while the other offers support from the sidelines. On the surface, that seems fair. But ADHD doesn’t operate neatly within those lines. It tends to show up in subtle, unexpected ways; shaping communication, routines, and emotional dynamics. It rarely announces itself clearly. Without a shared understanding, ADHD-related behaviours are often misread as character flaws of laziness, selfishness, or a lack of caring. And those misinterpretations can breed frustration, resentment, and emotional distance.
Even experienced couples therapists can easily miss the role ADHD plays in a relationship, especially without specific training or familiarity with how it shows up between partners. I say that as both a couples therapist and someone who’s sat on the other side of the couch with their partner. ADHD has a sneaky way of threading itself through a relationship and because it shows up differently for everyone, it’s easy to miss unless you know what you’re looking for.
Without that insight, couples might end up working really hard in therapy—just not on the actual problem! It’s like trying to put together a jigsaw puzzle when half the pieces are from a different puzzle box.
How To Spot ADHD In Your Relationship
So what are some clues that ADHD might be the silent third wheel in your relationship? Here are some questions you and your partner can ask yourselves and each other.
Do you or your partner…
- Frequently feel like the other person is uninterested in or not listening to what’s being said?
- Get the sense that the other person doesn’t care about or prioritize joint plans because they’re often forgetting about them or turn up late?
- Feel like shared responsibilities are not divided evenly?
- Feel tired of or concerned about the other person failing to take care of things properly? e.g. tidying, finances, or other life tasks.
- Feel like you’re walking on eggshells because the other person’s emotional reactions are overly sensitive, extreme, or unpredictable?
- Often get embarrassed by the other person’s behaviour? e.g. oversharing, being loud.
- Feel worried about, confused by, or uncomfortable with the unpredictability of the other person’s behaviours? e.g. impulsively spending money, changing/making plans at the last minute, constantly switching hobbies and interests.
- Feel like the relationship is on shaky ground because the other person often talks about breaking up in the heat of the moment?
- Feel like you are parenting the other person rather than being their partner?
- Feel like the other person often dominates interactions, making the dynamic feel one-sided?
While none of these signs are a definitive diagnosis—and many more examples exist—if several of them ring true it may be worth exploring whether ADHD is part of the picture in your relationship, especially if you notice persistent patterns that don’t seem to improve with typical communication or effort. Recognizing it could be a powerful first step toward understanding what’s really going on and seeking the right tools to navigate it together.
In my next few articles, I’ll deep dive into three ways in which ADHD might show up in relationships, the subtle ways it can cause tension without anyone realizing it’s the culprit, and tools that can help couples manage its impact.
If you think ADHD might be playing a role in your relationship and you’re interested in support, our team at Transforming Emotions is here to help. You’re also welcome to reach out to me directly for a free consultation to see if working together would be a good fit. Sometimes, just starting the conversation can make a big difference.
