It’s Not About Right or Wrong.
Remember, emotion validation isn’t about saying their feelings are right or wrong—it’s about showing that whatever they’re feeling is important to you.
Understanding the Emotional and Identity Struggles Behind Eating Disorders
Learn how identity, emotions, and food intertwine to develop and maintain a child’s eating disorder and what you can do to loosen its grasp on your child’s sense of self.
I remember the day my daughter was born. I had spent a lot of time imagining what it would be like to be a father. Like many dads, I created this mental image of what being a parent would be like. I remember sitting in that hospital room, looking into my daughter’s eyes, trying to wrap my mind around what had just happened. Suddenly—I was a dad! I began thinking about what it meant for me as a father, what kind of parent I would be, and how I would teach and protect my daughter as she moved through the world. But despite working for the past eight years in eating disorder treatment—learning how common they are among adolescent girls—the thought of my child developing an eating disorder never even crossed my mind. It’s easy to feel unsure, unprepared, and scared in this situation, but understanding the complex connection between eating disorders and identity is the first step to being there to support your child.
What Is an Eating Disorder?
From the outside, an eating disorder seems simple: a person has an overwhelming drive for thinness, so they restrict food. In the case of anorexia, that can mean getting to an extremely low weight through starvation-like methods. But notice the drive isn’t just about looking attractive—it’s about thinness. So, when we try to reassure someone with, “You’re beautiful just the way you are,” it often falls flat—sometimes met with an angry outburst. Why? Because their drive for thinness isn’t really about beauty; it’s about identity.
What Causes Eating Disorders?
If only we had a simple answer to that question. There’s emerging research linking brain chemistry, digestive issues, and family dynamics to eating disorders, but unfortunately, psychology still has a long way to go in testing these theories. What we do know, though, is what allows an eating disorder to stay. We call these “maintaining factors”—the psychological and behavioural tendencies that keep a person stuck in the disorder, making it difficult for them to recover. As a therapist, I use both Emotion Focused Therapy (EFT) and Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) to understand and treat eating disorders, which helps me piece together what’s going on inside a client’s mind.
A Sense of Self
Take a moment and think about what makes you who you are. You probably thought of a favourite hobby, your job, maybe a personality trait; being smart, funny, athletic, or creative. These are parts of your identity. When one aspect of your identity takes a hit—say you lose your job—you rely on other parts of yourself to help maintain your sense of self-worth which helps manage the intensity of the emotions that can follow such a major life event. That’s the benefit of having a strong, well-rounded sense of self: it can help protect you against overwhelming emotions.
Developing Identity…
Adolescents with eating disorders often struggle to develop a clear identity. It’s no coincidence that eating disorders tend to emerge during the teenage years—the time when kids are supposed to start figuring out who they are, apart from their parents. But for many, that process feels overwhelming. Emotions get bigger, relationships become more complicated, and expectations skyrocket. Without a sense of who they are or a clear path to discovering it, they latch onto something that feels grounding: “I can be the thin one.”
It’s hard at first, but the struggle itself becomes the reward. They feel strong—stronger than others, even stronger than their own biology. They control what others can’t: their hunger, their body. In their mind, they become the controlled, disciplined one. At that point, giving up the eating disorder becomes the risk of losing their identity, their sense of what makes them strong, and what makes them relevant in the world.
…Losing Identity
Imagine a doctor telling you that the only way to save your life is to give up something that defines you—your intelligence, your humour, your ability to paint. For me, as a therapist and musician, losing my hearing would be devastating; I would almost certainly face an identity crisis. Now imagine you feel that part of you is the only thing you have to define yourself. And that you are told by the people who love you that you must lose it, not just once, but slowly, day after day, while you’re forced to watch your identity taken away. This is what we’re asking of our children during eating disorder treatment.
It won’t feel good, but the battles over food are battles we must fight. Weight stabilization and psychological treatment have to happen together for the sake of your child’s safety. But you do have a choice in how you show up for them, both at the table and beyond.
How You Can Help
When your child is dealing with an eating disorder, they’re not just struggling with food and identity. There is also often a deeper issue of emotional dysregulation. Their emotions can feel overwhelming, and their eating disorder becomes the way they manage those emotions. As parents, we need to focus not just on getting our child to eat, but on helping them learn how to handle the intensity of what they’re feeling. Remember when I said that having a strong sense of self helps regulate emotion? Well, as your child starts gaining weight, they’ll often stop feeling like the “thin one” and feel lost. They’re likely to struggle with an increase in very intense, overwhelming emotions. At that point, you want to help them be able to manage these emotions. We call this increasing their emotional tolerance.
Validate Their Emotions
One of the most impactful ways you can help increase your child’s emotional tolerance is by validating their emotions. But what does that look like in real life? It’s not about fixing their feelings or minimizing their distress with well-intentioned comments like, “It’s not that bad” or “You’re beautiful, no matter what!” Instead, it’s about showing them that it’s okay to feel whatever they’re feeling without judgement.
Think about the last time you stubbed your toe: the sharp, unbearable pain that makes you want to scream and hop around. Imagine if someone dismissed it with, “It’s just a toe, you’re fine!”—not helpful, right? You also didn’t want someone panicking and trying to rush you to the hospital for an x-ray. What you probably wanted was for someone to say, “Wow, that looked like it hurt!” followed by some space to work through the pain, maybe with a bit of comfort or a check-in later. When your child is feeling emotionally overwhelmed, they need something similar. Validate their emotional “stubbed toe” with acknowledgment, give them space, and check-in without trying to “fix” everything immediately.
Here’s how you can offer that validation to your child as they manage their eating disorder:
- Acknowledge the Emotion. Let them know you notice what they’re feeling. Something as simple as, “I can see this is really upsetting for you,” goes a long way. Acknowledging doesn’t mean you agree with everything they’re saying, but it shows that you recognize their struggle.
- Normalise the Feeling. Make them feel like their emotion makes sense. For instance, you might say, “It’s totally understandable that you feel overwhelmed with everything going on right now.” This helps them feel less isolated in their experience.
- Resist the Urge to Fix It. Often, when we see our child in pain, our instinct is to jump in and make it better. But jumping in too soon can make them feel like their emotions aren’t valid. Sometimes, they just need someone to sit with them in their pain and tell them it’s okay to feel what they’re feeling.
- Offer Support, Not Solutions. Instead of trying to immediately solve the problem, offer to be with them through it. Saying something like, “I’m here with you,” can be incredibly grounding for a child who feels lost in their emotions. Sometimes, all they need is to know that you’re by their side without rushing to fix things. Sometimes, your child may need space. A simple comment like, “Take the space that you need, and I’m here for you if you need me,” can mean a lot.
It’s Not About Right or Wrong
Remember, emotion validation isn’t about saying their feelings are right or wrong—it’s about showing that whatever they’re feeling is important to you. That level of acceptance can be tremendously calming for a child in distress. And if you find it challenging to respond in this way, it’s okay—this can be tough! Sometimes, it helps to explore your own emotional triggers in therapy to make sure you’re responding in a way that feels supportive and steady for your child.
By practising this level of emotional validation, you’re showing them that it’s okay to feel, that they’re not broken or wrong for experiencing big emotions, and that you’re there to help them navigate through it—not force them into emotional suppression or avoidance.
Helping Identity Formation
Adolescents with eating disorders often struggle with identity formation, and the eating disorder can take hold as a way to fill that void. As a parent, your role is to help them discover who they are outside of the disorder and guide them toward a fuller sense of self-worth.
Here are some key strategies:
- Encourage exploration of interests: Support your child in engaging with activities or hobbies that have nothing to do with their appearance or weight. Whether it’s art, music, sports, or something else, these activities help them form a new sense of identity.
- Create opportunities for autonomy: While areas like eating and exercising require close supervision, give your child independence in safer areas, such as managing their own schedule or schoolwork. This helps them regain a sense of agency and self-confidence.
- Highlight their strengths: Focus on the qualities that make your child special, like kindness, intelligence, or humour. Reinforce that their value comes from who they are, not how they look.
- Support their emerging identity: Encourage your child to explore healthy interests, even if they’re connected to things like fashion or beauty, as long as they’re not solely about body image. This helps them express themselves without letting the eating disorder define them.
- Be mindful of language: Instead of commenting on their appearance, praise their actions or character. Statements like, “I’m impressed by how thoughtful you are” shift the focus from external appearance to internal qualities, promoting a more balanced self-image.
By offering autonomy, praising non-physical traits, and encouraging new interests, you help your child form a more robust, balanced sense of self. This weakens the hold of the eating disorder and empowers them to grow into a more confident, self-assured person.
A Difficult Journey
If you’re feeling overwhelmed by all of this, believe me, I get it. Eating disorder recovery is tough, and even knowing what to do doesn’t always make it easier. Seeking professional support for your child including direct support around eating and/or meal support is important.
If you can also remember to make space for your child’s emotions and help them explore who they are beyond the eating disorder, you’re on the right track. Of equal importance is taking care of yourself. Supporting your child through this journey is hard, and you need to be there for yourself, too.
If your child is struggling with an eating disorder and you or your child need additional support, our team of experienced therapists is here to help. We offer services for families navigating these challenges. Don’t hesitate to reach out with our free consultation and take the next step toward healing.
