A worksheet for couples to learn about and improve communication in their relationship.
“You’re not listening to me!”
Does this sound familiar? Perhaps you said it to your partner, or heard them say it to you. Maybe you feel like your conversations are ending in arguments or you and your partner are just not speaking the same language. You try to unload the dishwasher together, and before you know it you’re arguing about your family’s finances! It feels like a frustrating cycle you’re constantly repeating, and can be incredibly defeating. Feeling in tune with your partner and being able to talk safely and candidly about what is on your mind is a vital part of a healthy relationship—and without it, relationships can grow apart, or even worse, end.
Communication is important because it helps two people understand one another and work through everything—from what to eat for dinner, whether or not to have kids, to their dreams for retirement. When your communication is working well, you feel secure and connected to your partner, and things run smoothly. But when your communication is rusty, strained, or blocked, interactions and conversations feel difficult, frustrating, and heavy.
Healthy Communication Is Hard
While communication is important, it certainly isn’t always easy. What makes everyone an individual, different from each other, is the ways our values, experiences, and upbringing shape who we are as adults, and this is especially true for our communication styles. We all have different ways we communicate our ideas, as well as the way we receive information from others. Even if you share a similar communication style with your partner, small variations can lead to big differences in how you want to, and do, communicate!
But the good news is, that’s true for everyone—including your partner. To build better communication together, your first step is to understand what your communication styles are, and how they work together. This may involve some trial and error and feel frustrating, difficult, or impossible, but rest assured that it’s never too late to learn.
Tip #1 — Be kind to yourself and be patient with your partner. Communication is complicated! Give yourself and your partner grace to make mistakes and try again.
What Are Communication Styles?
Communication styles are defined by how we respond to and interpret information with others. There are different models that speak to the different communication styles, so let’s look at Roger K. Allen’s communication model that speaks to four common types: Dominators, Accommodators, Avoiders, and Collaborators.
Dominators
Dominators are great at asserting their own needs, and can be very transparent with how they are feeling. This type does not like to be wrong and they often have high expectations. In conflict, they like to come to a decision and may come across as argumentative, defensive, or lecturing:
- “You should listen to my advice next time.”
- “You always forget your keys.”
- “That’s stupid! Why would we leave at rush hour?”
Do you find yourself lecturing others? Wanting others just to listen to your way of doing things or explaining?
The Dominator may feel so confident in their beliefs that they may steamroll an Accommodator partner, or feel frustrated with an Avoider who cannot express their needs.
Accommodators
This type is very empathetic, but they tend to put others’ needs ahead of their own and have trouble voicing their own opinions. They are kind, compassionate, and try to keep their partner happy. In conflict, they tend to give-in or go along with what the other person wants, even if it’s to their own detriment:
- “What do you need from me?”
- “It doesn’t matter to me.”
- “Let’s just get along!”
Do you want to make others happy? Do you worry about offending others? Are you hoping others recognize your kindness and treat you in kind?
An Accommodator may put their needs on the back burner to make their Dominator partner comfortable, and may feel exhausted trying to reassure their Avoider partner.
Avoiders
Avoiders don’t like conflict and are not overly assertive or empathetic. They can be cautious and don’t want to make mistakes. They may not seem to take the situation seriously, using humour to try and minimize or suppress how they feel. Conflict brings about big emotions that make Avoiders uncomfortable so they may choose to leave issues alone with hopes the issues will go away, or they may act as though everything is fine:
- “I said I was sorry.”
- “Let’s not make this a big issue about the appointment, I will reschedule it.”
- “It’s not a big deal!”
Do you find yourself trying to make light of the situation? Do you want to move forward from the conflict, even without a resolution? Do you just want everyone to forgive and forget?
Avoiders may not dwell on the issue, but when paired with an Accommodator the issue may not get fully resolved, and with a Dominator partner they may feel the Avoider does not care or is not listening.
Collaborators
Collaborators can assert their needs and also show empathy towards how their partner is feeling about a situation. They maintain a healthy balance between expressing themselves and being able to attune to their partner’s needs, even if they differ from their own:
- “This is what I think. How do you see things?”
- “I am hearing you say…”
- “Can I be honest with you about how I am feeling?”
Do you feel you can listen to and empathize with other people’s opinions, even if they don’t align with yours? Can you also express your needs and opinions to your partner honestly?
Collaborators may feel their Avoider partner is not invested in working on the issue, that their Dominator partner is lecturing, or that they don’t understand what their Accommodator partner needs.
Your Communication Style
The more you know about yourself, the easier it is to work through some of the stumbling blocks in a relationship. Take a look at the different communication styles and identify which one you tend towards. What can you learn from this? Now think about what communication style your partner has. How do these communication styles compliment each other? How do they work against one another? Understanding how your communication styles are interacting is the first step to fine-tuning the way you communicate in your relationship. Now that you know more about your communication style (and perhaps your partner’s), set an intention to try something different when communicating with them.
Changing Styles
No one’s communication style is stuck; they can be changed over time, if you’re inclined, and can even be a great way for couples to grow as they work on evolving together. No, they won’t change overnight—and you may want to seek out professional help from a therapist to get you over difficult hurdles—but acknowledging what needs to happen could be the first step! Ideally, you want to work towards a Collaborator communication style—healthy relationships work best when both partners can express empathy towards each other, while also being able to assert their own needs.
If you are a Dominator, work on your understanding and practicing empathy. Try giving space for others to express themselves, and simply listen. Ask questions for clarification. Ask yourself if there could be more than one solution or opinion for the situation at hand. Try and imagine things from the other person’s perspective.
If you are an Accommodator, work on first recognizing and then asserting your own needs in relationships. Try to look within and ask yourself what is it that you need? Examine the boundaries you have set with others in your life—are there any? Why or why not?
If you are an Avoider, you may want to confront your discomfort with conflict and with expressing empathy. Try taking notice of how you feel in misunderstandings or conflict with others, see if you can identify where you feel this in your body, or what emotion comes up for you. What does it feel like to just sit with that emotion for a bit?
Tip #2 — Practice! It takes time and effort to learn these skills, and more to reach for them automatically in a conversation. Only through practice will you get better, so get out there and practice!
Practice with Your Partner
Remember: communication requires two people! Ask your partner to read this article and see what style they would use to describe you and themselves. Take some time to compare ideas and opinions. When you feel some clarity and have discussed your communication styles, move onto the next part and try it together.
Step 1: Regulate / Recognize / Stay Calm
Pause. Recognize how you’re feeling going into the conversation. Are you calm, happy, stressed, tired? Our emotions affect how we show up in communication. Take a minute to check in with yourself. If you already feel on edge after a long commute home, it may not be the best time to approach a difficult conversation. Take care of your needs first, find some calm, and then approach the conversation if possible. This goes for your partner too! If your partner is in the middle of cooking dinner and wrangling two toddlers it may not be the time to talk about an emotionally charged topic. Try waiting or asking if this is a good time to talk. If it’s not a good time to communicate, agree on a time when you will plan to have the energy and commitment to come together.
Step 2: Listen
You may have a lot to say, but remind yourself that listening is crucial. If both of you are talking at once, it will be impossible to communicate effectively and hear what the other person is saying. Decide who is going to talk first and let that person express what they need to say. When you are in the listening role, your job is to give your undivided attention to your partner and hear them out. It is okay if you don’t agree with everything they are saying—you’ll get your turn, too!
Tip #3 — When you’re listening, don’t focus on preparing your counterarguments. Don’t get distracted by what you are feeling inside. Instead, really listen to your partner’s words and see if you can summarize your understanding of what they have said back to them, really trying to understand the issue from their perspective. And remember, understanding and agreeing are different!
Step 3: Communicate Your Needs
Now you are going to reverse roles. You listened and heard your partner’s thoughts and feelings, and now you can express yours. This is your chance to get your information and opinions out there and to be heard by your partner, while they focus on step two, listening.
If you both agree to follow these steps—and stick to them—you will know you don’t have to feel rushed or cut off when it’s your turn to speak.Your partner has committed to giving you their undivided attention and is all ears, just as you are when it’s your turn to listen.
Tip #4 — If you are speaking second, don’t seek to convince or dominate your partner. Rather, seek to help your partner understand where you are coming from. Remember, their job is now to understand your perspective – not to agree or disagree. Finding solutions can come after understanding one another – if it’s still needed.
I hope you can use this article as a conversation starter with your partner, and follow its guidance together. Think about your communication styles then talk together, suggesting what you think your partner’s style is. Do they match? If not, talk about how this divide may be impacting your communication. It can be difficult work, but don’t get discouraged—changes don’t happen overnight, but the more you practice with your partner, the more small changes manifest into bigger successes!
Tip #5 — Work with your partner to understand each other’s communication style, and see how they influence the way you communicate.
We’ve only scratched the surface of how you can improve your communication skills. If you found this article helpful and want more information on fine-tuning communication in your relationship, reach out and book a free consultation session today!
