On the journey of parenting, encountering children’s tantrums and challenging behaviours is very common, and at times can be incredibly frustrating. Parents try various strategies—such as reward systems, punishment, reasoning, or implementing a “calm-down corner.” While these approaches may seem effective in the short term, the child’s behavior often returns to its original pattern after a while.
This cycle of temporary improvement followed by regression leaves many parents feeling confused, discouraged, and even questioning whether their parenting approach is right. I’ve met with many parents seeking parenting consultations or counselling when they are struggling with their child’s emotions and behaviours. Common concerns include:
“My child gets physical at school and hits other children.”
“They throw tantrums over the smallest things and cry or yell ten times a day.”
“They have a meltdown whenever things don’t go their way—screaming, throwing objects, and fighting with siblings. It’s impossible to calm them down!”
When it feels like everyday you’re struggling against your child’s behaviour and actions, how can you effectively help your child regulate their emotions and behaviours? To start, we need to talk about what’s going on inside your child’s mind and body.
A Child’s Behavior Is Like an Iceberg
Before addressing parents’ concerns, we must first understand that a child’s observable behavior—what we see on the surface—is just a piece of their whole self and what’s driving their behaviour.
In her book Beyond Behaviours, American clinical psychologist Dr. Mona Delahooke explains that even though a child’s behavior may seem obvious, it is often just the tip of the iceberg. The visible part above the water represents the behaviours a child displays, while the much larger portion hidden beneath the surface represents their inner world: personality differences, physiological states, sensory experiences, emotions, thought patterns, and unmet needs. The real reasons behind a child’s challenging behaviour or tantrums are hidden beneath the surface.
Physical Body
A child’s physical well-being—such as hunger, fatigue, or discomfort—can significantly impact their ability to regulate emotions and behavior. When your child is feeling unwell or in pain, they may struggle to control their emotions, leading to challenging behaviours.
Sensations
Every child processes sensory input (such as light, sound, touch, or smell) differently. For some children, sensory overload can lead to anxiety, distress, or tantrums. On the other hand, some children actively seek sensory stimulation and may frequently move their bodies or touch objects around them.
Emotions
Children are still developing their ability to regulate and manage emotions. Tantrums or inappropriate behaviours often arise in response to stress, overstimulation, or environmental changes. These emotional ups and downs are a normal part of a child’s learning process as they figure out how to express their feelings appropriately.
Thoughts / Ideas
A child’s cognitive development affects how they perceive and understand different situations. For example, children with more rigid thinking patterns may struggle to adapt to change or feel distressed when faced with situations they cannot control. Their perception of themselves, others, and the world around them influences how they respond to challenges or expectations.
Individual Differences
Each child has a unique temperament and personality traits that influence how they respond to the world. Some children may be more sensitive, introverted, or prone to anxiety, while others may be more outgoing and assertive. Understanding these differences in your child will help you adjust your parenting approach to meet your child’s emotional and social needs.
Practical Strategies to Regulate Emotions
When we understand that a child’s behavior is driven by deeper underlying causes, we can approach their emotional and behavioral challenges with greater insight, and start to address the root of the issue. To reduce challenging behaviours and support your child’s emotional regulation, the key is to foster healthy emotional development—by approaching them with empathy, acceptance, and understanding.
Drawing from strength-based parenting, attachment theory, play therapy, and clinical experience, I have five practical strategies you can use to help your child manage their emotions and reduce inappropriate behaviours.
1) Build Secure Parent-Child Relationships
Children need a stable and safe environment to learn how to manage their emotions. When they feel accepted, their brain’s emotional regulation system can function effectively, helping them calm down and cope with difficult emotions.
Stay Calm. When your child is emotionally overwhelmed, maintain a calm tone and body language. Avoid blaming or behaviours they may perceive as intimidating as this will help them feel secure.
Listen with Patience. Keep an open and non-judgmental attitude. Listen patiently to your child’s emotions and thoughts so they feel understood and are more willing to express their feelings.
2) Connect with Empathy and Acceptance
When a child is emotionally overwhelmed, what they need most is not scolding or lectures, but understanding and acceptance. A parent’s emotional response directly influences how a child learns to manage their own emotions.
Regulate Your Own Emotions First. If your child is having a meltdown, focus on calming yourself first; such as taking three deep breaths. Avoid reacting with anger to their anger.
Connection before Correction. Instead of immediately correcting inappropriate behavior, try to connect with your child first. Get down to their level and maintain eye contact.
Express Empathy. This involves actively listening and demonstrating understanding, by reflecting their emotions, using a gentle tone, and acknowledging their experience (e.g. “I can see that you’re feeling really frustrated right now.”)
Acknowledge Their Feelings: At the same time you’re expressing empathy, you also want to acknowledge your child’s feelings in the moment and why they’re feeling them. Use simple, validating statements like,
“I can see you’re upset because you still wanted to play.”
3) Help Recognize and Express Their Emotions
Many children struggle to accurately describe their emotions when they are overwhelmed. Teaching them to identify and name their feelings is a key step in emotional regulation.
Use “I” Statements. Encourage your child to express their emotions with phrases like, “I feel ___ because ___, and I need ___.”
This helps them communicate their feelings clearly and identify their needs. For example, I feel frustrated because my tower keeps falling down, and I need some help to rebuild it.” This approach fosters self-understanding and emotional awareness.
Model and Reflect Their Emotions. If your child struggles to articulate their feelings, help them by naming it: “I see that you are feeling very (frustrated / disappointed / angry) because playtime is over.”
Use Visual Aids or Stories. Emotion cards, picture books, or drawing activities can help your child better understand and express their feelings.
4) Guide with Self-Regulation Strategies
Emotions themselves are not “good” or “bad”—they are simply sources of information. What matters is how we make meaning of, express, and manage them. Teaching children healthy ways to understand and regulate their emotions can help reduce emotional outbursts and challenging behaviours.
Explore Different Regulation Techniques. Each child responds to different strategies. Some effective methods include deep breathing, listening to music, drinking water, drawing, or dancing to release tension.
Use Calming Tools. A sensory bottle filled with glitter (or other stress-relief toys) may help your child calm down; when shaken, the glitter in the bottle gives them something to visually focus on as it slowly settles.
5) Adjust the Environment to Reduce Overstimulation
If your child is highly sensitive to their surroundings or certain sensory inputs, modifying their environment can help them stay calm.
Modify the Environment. Lower noise levels, adjust lighting, or provide a quiet space to minimize stress and overstimulation.
Establish Routines. Ensure your child gets enough sleep and proper nutrition, as maintaining a stable physiological state supports emotional regulation.
When your child is emotionally overwhelmed, the goal should not be to immediately stop their behavior, but to connect to your child and provide a calm presence while offering empathy. When you do this, they feel safe, accepted, and understood. As children see their parents responding to their emotions in a steady and supportive way, they gradually learn how to self-regulate themselves.
The next time your child has an emotional outburst or engages in challenging behavior, try these strategies. Through patience, empathy, and consistency, you will help your child develop healthy coping mechanisms, improve their emotional regulation, and lay a strong foundation for positive relationships and learning in the future.
If you want to learn more about using or implementing these strategies, we’re here at Transforming Emotions to help. Book a free consultation to connect with a therapist that can help build a personalized strategy that will work for your family.
This article was originally posted on healthyd.com, and has been edited and reposted with permission. You can read the original here.
